# DTD 201
This is the Drive Time Debrief, episode 201.
Hey guys, welcome back to the podcast. I'm Amanda. I'm Laura. And I'm Kendra. And I might have a little bit of a TikTok problem. My kids make fun of my feed because it is always like self-help and advice and occasionally there's cats on there too. But occasionally scrolling the internet can work out because from time to time I come across posts that really make me think.
So here's a compilation. We're gonna do a maybe two or three episodes in this series. But these are basically two separate posts by @JessKR on TikTok. The first one was named 10 Pieces of Advice that will flip a Switch in your Brain. And then the second post was eight mindset shifts that will change your life. So of course I got completely in a rabbit hole about these, but it's not even necessarily that all of them are true. But I thought that we could just discuss a few of these and like see what we think. Sometimes internet advice is good, sometimes it's not so good.
So the first premise that she says is, if you're really scared to do something, it's probably the thing that you need to do the most. I will go ahead and interject that Kara Loewentheil is a like a feminist coach. She's a lawyer, and she said one time in a conference where we were like, "Everything that you've ever wanted is on the other side of discomfort." Somebody else before that said, "It's on the other side of fear." What do you guys think?
Well, I think this probably doesn't apply to my fear of jumping outta an airplane. Probably not. Yeah. But I do think there is a lot to this because we know that our brains are wired for comfort, to avoid pain, and to conserve energy. So it's natural for our brains to resist anything that's gonna—
I think it's really interesting though. When we can learn to embrace discomfort, including walking through fear, we really can make some amazing changes in our lives. I think this really applies to our interpersonal relationships where sometimes it feels really uncomfortable to just sit there and hear what someone else has to say about us because we allow it to mean things to us. Where if we can embrace that discomfort and just sit there and listen, it is very healing oftentimes for the other person. And I don't know, I just think that this principle applies so many places, even like going to the gym—who wants to go to the gym? It's not fun. You might not be afraid of it, but maybe you're afraid of the soreness that comes after leg day or whatever.
Or judgment. Or judgment, yes. And what you want is on the other side of that, of walking through whatever that discomfort is. So I really do think that there is a lot to this because avoiding fear, avoiding discomfort really does just keep us in very much the same place, which is alive but not really living.
You said at first it probably doesn't apply to, you know, jumping out of an airplane or whatever it was that you said at first. So then I think you have to weigh what is the benefit of doing this thing. I also don't need to jump out of an airplane. I'm sure it would be a giant adrenaline rush, but it doesn't like change my life probably the way that having a difficult conversation might or leaving a bad situation. But I don't know what's gonna be on the other side. I'm scared of that or leaving, you know, like that could be a job or a relationship or whatever it is. But the benefits of that might be something incredible where, you know, jumping out of an airplane or doing something just for adrenaline doesn't necessarily give you that. It might to somebody, but just not me. Right. That's what I'm taking from this.
Yeah. So does it accrue to your wellbeing? To a better life? Yeah. A life well lived. Yeah. Okay. So it sounds like we 80% like this one. Mm-hmm. At least. Yeah. Maybe more. Okay, good to think about.
All right, so here's the next assertion. The things that people do and say is more about them than it is about you. Anything come up with that one?
Yes. I think that this is definitely true when we get all wrapped up in, you know, what other people are thinking or saying about us and being really, really upset about it, or concerned or even like over-functioning to try to make other people think well of us. It really does just keep us on this little hamster wheel of trying to control things that are out of our control. We can't control other people's thoughts, behaviors, what they say. We can control ourselves. And so it really is a waste of energy. Yeah. To be all wrapped up in that.
That's a common thought error or cognitive distortion is something called personalization where we make things that might not have anything to do with us mean something about us. "They're angry, so I must have done something" or they just stubbed their toe, you know? Or I mean, how do we know? We do a lot of mind reading that maybe is accurate sometimes, but unless you have a conversation with them about the intention behind what they're doing and saying like, a lot of it we've just confabulated.
Yes. And going back to like the idea of you can't make everyone happy with you—there are some people who are just grouchy. They don't feel good. Maybe they're in pain and it doesn't matter how you show up, they're not gonna be happy with you. So—yeah, me too. Sometimes I just wake up and I'm grumpy. I don't know why nobody did anything. Right, right. I'm just crabby. So we can do ourselves and them a favor by just being like, you know, that's them. This is me. How am I showing up? Am I doing anything that would be annoying? And if so, do I like that thing I'm doing? If not, I can correct course. But yeah, let them have their experience.
It is a meme or something where it's like the older you get, the more you realize like nobody was thinking about you in the first place. You could have just been living your best life. Like, yeah. You know what I mean? Yep.
What do you think, Kendra? I wonder if the conversation or whatever is going on is triggering that person. I know there's been several times—once it's not about me at all. It's maybe the last time they interacted with a blonde doctor, it didn't go well. Oh yeah. Or something like that. Totally projection. I wonder if it could also be some more of the projecting and you know, whereas you were like, "Whoa, I just walked in." You know, I found myself saying that a lot sometimes when I go into a room and it just really started off to a bad start or, you know, it also could have been the 10 hour waiting room before they got to see me. Mm-hmm. All of those are not about me. Right? Right.
So I often think about that, like I came in and said, "Hi, I am Dr. Morrison, how can I help you?" And that's all I've done. I'm pretty sure I didn't misstep, but it seems as if something is being triggered or projected or whatever. So I often think about that, right? Like that's so much more clear in my mind because it's the first time I've ever met 'em. They don't even know me, so it can't be about me. What it is about is their fear or their lack of control or whatever—like that's such a good example, Kendra. Thank you.
Okay, so this one's a good one because if I'm calculating right, this might be January, people might still have New Year's resolutions. This is so important. Follow your plan, not your mood. If you're waiting for motivation all the time, then motivation is by definition fleeting. It's like it feels good in the moment. Well then as soon as that moment's gone and that motivation evaporates, that's why it's so good to use your prefrontal cortex—then there's no mental gymnastics that you have to do. "This is what's on the schedule. This is what I'm doing." No decisions have to be made, especially in the afternoons when you're tired anyway, or at the end of your shift or at the end of your workday. Whatever it is, just follow your plan, not your mood. That will get you out of trouble a lot.
It means that you have to have spent a little bit of time coming up with your plan in the first place. Like the in the moment brain is always your primitive brain, which is motivated by seeking pleasure, avoiding pain, and being as efficient as possible, which sometimes means exerting the least amount of effort as possible. That is always gonna be the strongest in the moment. It's that prefrontal cortex, the executive planning part of your brain, that if you haven't looked at your week and figured out what you need to do, when you need to do it, you're probably gonna procrastinate it like I tend to do till the very end of it and like, "Oh crap, I should plan this out better." So, mm-hmm.
In order to follow your plan, you actually have to have a plan, and I would add your plan needs to feel good. Okay. So, yes, you need to be compassionate on the person who has to follow the plan. You're making a plan for the next day. And if you're in a moment of crisis, don't schedule yourself every hour. Yeah. You know, give yourself grace. Maybe your plan is stay alive the next day. Yeah. Maybe your plan is, "Okay, I've gotta make my bed. That's it." Yeah. Just, and same with food, like if you're making a plan ahead of time, don't make a plan with a bunch of food you don't like. Make a plan with food that you love to nourish your body and "I'm gonna take care of myself with this healthy food tomorrow that I really love."
That's so funny. That brought up in my mind a recent coaching session where one of the things that she wanted to remember was "We do not negotiate with terrorists." No, absolutely not. Exactly. But that is such an important point, Laura. Is that true? People that do time blocking and that sort of thing, like as a habit, time block their time off first. Time block the things that matter to them in their lives, family time, or whatever it is. Because otherwise you're tempted to make these crazy schedules that then guess what? You rebel against the schedule that you made. Nobody made you do this. Yeah. And you're like, "Oh my God, this is just ridiculous." Well, maybe don't make a crazy plan to begin with. Mm-hmm. What about that? Right? Right. So funny.
Okay. Next one. You're not changing. You're choosing. And this is hard because brains like to spin in indecision. Like, "I don't know, maybe I should do this, maybe I should do that." And like, at least for physicians, it feels like I've seen over and over again where we will over-research something to death. Mm-hmm. When really you had all the information you needed six months ago. Six years ago. Spinning in indecision means you're not going anywhere, and so that is a choice to not move forward.
When it was presented to me in that way, it was like, mm-hmm. I think actually it was in some sort of crazy exercise class where somebody screamed like, "What are you doing with your life?" I was like, "Shoot, absolutely nothing." That is not true for you. But at the moment I was like, "Yeah, I'm just sitting here like over-analyzing. I just need to go," like, sometimes you just have to make a motion and like get going, even if it's a small step. Otherwise I personally can keep researching a rabbit hole indefinitely, so it's time to just like, I've got enough information, let's go. Mm-hmm.
I think that also comes back to your first point. If you're really scared to do something, it's probably the thing you need to do most. Like why? If you're not changing something, why is it that you're not? Are there good actual reasons? Like you're not sure, say it's your job and you hate it. Are you still thinking, "Well, there's a few things I haven't tried," or are you just doing nothing and not changing it and just complaining about it? In that case, ouch. Shots fired. Also, you're choosing something that you're complaining about and not moving forward. So there's a lot there.
It's one thing if maybe it's your relationship, maybe you're in therapy and trying to see what change is possible and what could be worked out. Yeah. But if you're just stuck and not doing anything, then we're choosing that thing that hurts. Then if you listen to episode one or two, then you might just have a weekend of plagues and then all of a sudden it's like, "Oh, I am gonna be choosing something." Yeah.
I will say I personally believe that we're here on this earth to cultivate relationships and to grow and develop and if we're choosing stuckness, that's contrary to what we're here for. That's contrary to what we're supposed to be as humans, we're supposed to be moving and growing and changing constantly, and so we're not gonna be happy, we're not gonna feel fulfilled. It's that whole metaphor of the lobster who finally becomes uncomfortable enough to dissolve his shell, regrow the new one. Meanwhile, he is a tasty treat at the bottom of the ocean.
Okay, and then last one for this episode. I'm gonna ask Kendra because I know there's a quote of a favorite author of yours that might come up. You will never be criticized by someone who is doing more than you. You will only be criticized by somebody who is doing less, and that made me think of, I know you're a fan of "The Man in the Arena." Mm-hmm. Yep. That's Brené Brown is all about daring greatly, but I think what comes up when you say that is that same thing about, it's more about them and not about you. There's something coming up for them whether it looks like regret or whether that looks like they're choosing not to change or they're choosing to stay stuck, you know, when you're confronted by the thing that you probably need to change.
First, you need to be aware, right? But once you're confronted with that and you choose to not do anything about it, I think that is where that person standing there says, "Oh, well, that person did something or made a choice," and sometimes that confrontation's hard. It's hard to deal with at first. And so they're the ones going to be doing the criticism when it's actually what I see in my head is that self-critic only, was that my outside voice? It's a lot easier instead of listening to your self-critic to criticize others. Right? Because it seems that distancing yourself from your own self-critic means, "Oh, I don't have to self-confront. I don't have to decide to change." This was so comfortable for me. This was so familiar, but when I see others, either my same credentials or qualifications or whatever you wanna say that did decide to get uncomfortable. "What does that say about me?"
And so I think this goes with that first thing that we talked about. It's more about them and less about you because you decided to be brave. You decided to dare greatly. You decided to listen to the people that were in the arena with you, that when you were face down in the dirt and you looked up, you saw that perspective. Like, "Who is in the arena with me now?" And I tell my daughter, we've been talking a lot about arm linkers, "Who's linking arms with me and who's willing to get dirty and bloody and sweaty and all the things?" And the guy sitting on the front row outside the arena that's pointing fingers or choosing to share their opinion without elicitation is the one that we care less about or we choose to mute.
I love The Greatest Showman because when they do those different scenes where it just mutes everything around and it goes in slow mode, like that's what I see when I hear "The Man in the Arena." I always like when they highlight internet trolls who are like just saying the most awful thing, and then they track 'em down and like pull 'em up like on their profile picture, and you're like, "What the heck?" There's always a way to cartoon-ify them in your mind. There's even colleagues that—yeah, yeah, yeah. I do like to think about life being a little bit like a sitcom and like, that's just their character. It wouldn't be the same show without them. So yeah, they're gonna keep on acting like they are.
But yeah, anytime you're doing something worthwhile, you're gonna make somebody uncomfortable and you very well might get judged. I am not gonna gaslight you and tell you that somebody's not gonna have an opinion about it. It is just that if you are never doing anything that is worthy of criticism, then you're probably not living to your full capacity. You're probably not pushing yourself. People, it's never gonna be the fabulous business person that is mocking you for doing something new in business. It's not going to be the person who's like a genius professor who is gonna criticize you for trying to learn more. It will be somebody who, you pushing yourself to grow, it makes them uncomfortable in some sort of way.
I will say you may run across, especially if you're in training, you may run across people who are highly esteemed, who are abusive, and that is still not about you. That's their own deep insecurity showing up as a bully.
All right, well that's it for this one. Okay. Take us home. Okay. Well, thank you for humoring us as we think of these interesting things off the internet, but I think they are just little tidbits to think about and offer maybe a little bit of clarity on one or more of these that you may find yourself going through right now. And if you found this conversation helpful, or one or two of these, the best way to support us is by leaving a review. Tell us that you love to hear about these things. Tell us that you're gonna tune in next time. It helps other physicians find this podcast and it moves us up on the list.
And if you would like little tidbits delivered straight to your inbox every week, go to the link in the show notes to sign up for a weekly Well Check. It's bits of encouragement just like this delivered directly to you. Plus you'll find out about new stuff we have coming out, our next masterclass, our Podcast Fast Track, all the goodness that we have created just for you. So check out that link in our show notes and thank you so much for spending time with us today.
Until next time, you are whole. You are a gift to medicine and the work you do matters.
