# Drive Time Debrief - Episode 186
Hey guys, welcome back to the podcast. I'm Amanda. I'm Laura. And I'm Kendra. And today we are gonna touch on a topic that unfortunately is easy for all of us to fall into but can make our wellbeing much worse, and that is comparing ourselves to others. Unfortunately, this is our default a little bit, I think, as the appearance of connecting with humanity. It's actually comparing to humanity and it can really not serve us. And so we're gonna talk about this. We all do it inside and outside of medicine.
Really what it is is helping to acknowledge when we are actually doing the comparison, which is actually the opposite of connection and is what we all want. And we're gonna take it to the next level. What it means to admire or be inspired, and then what it is to have reverence. And so we're gonna, you know, go back to our gal, Dr. Brené Brown, who wrote Atlas of the Heart to lay down some groundwork and then also, Dr. Caroline Leaf. I just listened to a podcast on her about anxiety and she spoke a lot about this, about how comparison really does pull. She has some evidence that comparison actually increases anxiety, which we've talked about several times.
Decreases resilience, increases burnout. So anytime that we stay in that high stress response, that fight or flight for any amount of time longer than we should, it's going to fuel anxiety. So to just lay the groundwork here, comparison really is what Brené Brown says, the crush of conformity from one side and competition from the other.
So basically you're trying to fit in and stand out, basically. Like, I wanna do what you're doing, but do it better. And this is a way we assess ourselves in relationship to others. And like we said, sometimes we do this very subconsciously, not even aware that we're doing it because really what we long for is connection.
But instead we are comparing each other and we're either coming from the stance of a one up, meaning like we are stacking ourselves up. Like, oh, at least I'm not like that. Or at least I have two kids that stayed in school, or whatever that may be. And so that can really foster a superiority attitude or character about you, or you have the less than, and that's where we're constantly scanning to see, oh man, I don't have that house or that car, or I don't have that. Whatever, you know, my kids don't do that. And so then that can really fuel depression, fear, this feedback loop where once we can actually recognize that we're doing comparison instead of an attempt to connect, it really makes a huge difference.
So naming it is really going to be key as we discussed in this podcast, but comparison really does affect our past because we see like, oh, well I didn't go to that residency, or maybe I didn't land that job. And then you have regrets about where you're at today. So like, oh, I live here when I could have lived there. Or I see my bestie from residency landed that great job. She lives in that great city and has a great life, or whatever. And then it also affects our future because then it's like, I could never, or I wish I would have done this so that my life would be different now, and then I would be on the path to whatever in the future.
Comparison in itself is not exactly a feeling, but as you could see, it brings up a lot of feelings, a lot of regret, a lot of fear, anxiety. So we'll talk about these things in the big picture context, but as you can see, it just brings up a whole host of emotions. In The Gifts of Imperfection, which is another favorite of mine, Brené Brown talks about in guideline number six, that cultivating creativity actually requires you let go of comparison. And we talk about this too all the time, that creativity really fosters getting into that right brain, really connecting with, you know, a power higher than ourselves. Whether in meditation or prayer, whatever. But if you're comparing, you actually can't be creative and it actually inhibits you from connecting to that right brain and really being able to let go of that comparison. So the bad news is we're kind of hardwired for this and our default really is to compare, but the good news is we do have a choice of how we're gonna let it affect us and how we're gonna move forward once we are aware. So that was defining comparison and seeing how it shows up and this is kind of the big picture here, but we'll get into admiration and reverence.
And admiration is really switching from like, wow, that's amazing. I'll never be that or I wish I could do that. She uses the context of swimming in her own lane. When she goes to swim, she really likes to swim because it's quiet. She just puts her head down, does her workout, and she zones everything out until a swimmer jumps in the lane right beside her and then she is like looking to the right and left, and then all of a sudden it becomes a competition and she has a sticky note that she has up on her computer that just reminds her, stay in your lane.
And that really just reminds me, hey, you're in your lane, you're doing your meditation, you do this for your own grounding and everything, so just make sure you're staying in your lane. But what she says is positive recognition of someone's abilities, qualities, or achievements without the self-judgment that can actually be inspiring. And that's what we're talking about when we talk about admiration. It really does allow us to look at ourselves and actually say, oh, what can I learn from that and how can I be better? Like it's an inspiring story about someone that overcame something huge in their life, or it's an inspiring story how a family reconnected or reunited. It really does spark that, oh wow, what did they do? And what can I take from that and maybe make myself better? And it helps to connect and better our relationships, which we talk a lot about.
The next level is actually reverence. And so reverence is a deep respect or awe for something bigger than ourselves. And so we talk a lot about connecting with a power bigger than ourselves. For me, I enjoy prayer, meditation, reading the Bible, really connecting with the one that created me, and whether it is your own spirituality or nature or something about just having the privilege of being present in a moment of profound humanity. Even then, that desire to connect, that's where you have that reverence when you acknowledge that, wow, I'm so lucky to be a part of this amazing experience, or this glimpse into humanity. And that right there, it just allows you to really connect with the universe or that bigger picture and puts you into a perspective where it takes it outside of you or considering you all the time and it's we and how we're connected in the bigger picture. Nice.
So how might this look in our own lives as physicians? Well, at the hospital it can look like comparing patient outcomes, procedural skills, how much somebody has published compared to you, how many talks they've given, how quickly they move patients. That's a huge one in the emergency department. Like, well, I'm not as fast as somebody else. So that can be an example. Another example would be like a junior attending comparing their patient throughput to a seasoned colleague or picking up a diagnosis to somebody else who's been doing this for 30 years. That's super toxic. And then the whole speed trap thing is like, I ask our clients a lot, like, why don't you see patients faster? Well, I don't wanna miss something. Oh, so you're really conscientious, so you don't even want to practice like that. So stop beating yourself up about it. Like let's just work on what being a good doctor means to you, focus on that.
The impact of comparing yourself to colleagues at work, used properly, it can motivate improvement, but that's usually not what happens to us. I feel like we use it in a negative way, which leads to more burnout, anxiety. Again, a lot of times we're comparing ourselves to others who are practicing in a way that just isn't a good fit for us. And so then what are you gonna do about it? It leads to feelings of imposter syndrome. It can be used correctly. Like, what do I wanna do? What do I admire? That's that thing. I think admiring can be great. That tells you what you want, what you want to improve. That gives you like a toolkit for like guideposts for where you want to go. Comparison though in a negative way, man, it's just, first of all, not necessary. And secondly, it just causes a lot of suffering.
Outside of the hospital, it can be like comparing career milestones. I haven't had a kid yet. I'm not married yet. They're going on fabulous vacations and I'm not. Especially painful is comparing your kids' achievements to other kids' achievements. That is such a dark place. That's yeah. That is not fun. And pointless. Pointless, by the way. Yes. It's like tough. And it almost fuels that disconnect with your kids, right? Yes. Yeah. 'Cause that comparison, you're wishing yes, they were like someone else. And that is just going to destroy that relationship you have with your kids. They pick up on it. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yes. And if you can work on that, like talk to one of us. Because man, that can get in the way of everything that you want that's good about your relationship with your kids. Mm-hmm. And loved ones. Your spouse doesn't love it either when you're doing the same thing to him or her. Mm-hmm. Anywho.
So an example could be seeing a colleague post about an exotic vacation on Instagram, right? When you're in the middle of three 12-hour shifts or something like that. Just know most people aren't posting their vulnerable times on social media. You're comparing yourself either to somebody who's otherwise much further along than you, or they're posting their good stuff, they're posting their highlight reel. Your highlight reel would look fantastic also. Mm-hmm. So what are you doing? I'm usually looking at those exotic vacations going, oh, let me look on my calendar and see when my next one is. That's right. Yeah. Oh, I see that vacation. Oh, I gotta get that on my calendar. See how healthy that would be. Like I too would like to go to the Maldives. Let's wanna experience that. Yeah. Yeah. Just watch how you feel after you get on social media. If you routinely find that you feel horrible, then you're allowed to take a little break.
So let's talk about, if you know anything about our friend Kendra, she loves Dr. Caroline Leaf and Caroline Leaf's work hits home regarding this. She's a cognitive neuroscientist who studies how our thoughts shape our brain health, and her research shows that comparison ramps up anxious thought patterns. Your brain interprets it as a threat, which spikes stress hormones and keeps you in fight or flight mode. And here's the kicker, is that not only does chronic comparison steal joy, it actually rewires your brain to expect more threats. So it affects your future too, which means you actually do become more anxious over time, not less if you're falling into this negative comparison trap. Chronic comparison increases rumination, decreases gratitude and weakens resilience. And social media is the ultimate amplifier of this comparison through these curated highlight reels. Just watch.
Yeah, I will just give a little testimonial here for minimizing social media. If it doesn't bother you, if it's enriching your life, fantastic. But I noticed, like a lot of doctors, I have a lot of thoughts going through my brain all the time and being on social media put me out of my own lane. So many times I'm thinking about what's going on in all these other people's lives and worrying about them, or worrying about me. And so I really engage very, very little with social media at this point. Probably need to do a little bit more honestly, but it has been good. That has been good for me. So if you feel that anxiety ramp up when you're on there, just pay attention and see if giving yourself a break might help you feel better.
So we're gonna work on moving from comparison to admiration. And the first step in so many of these things that we talk about with you guys is just the awareness of it. Just noticing when we're comparing, noticing, hey, I'm feeling really annoyed that that colleague of mine is in such good shape and I'm like fuming about it, like how does she have time for that and then like of course, looking at yourself and being like, why haven't I done that? Da, da, da. Instead of comparing ourselves negatively and beating ourselves up about whatever it is that we are dissatisfied with. Another one that we hear frequently is my colleagues are so much faster than I am.
We can look at what they're doing and we can admire it, and we can decide if we wanna be like that and ask ourselves what it would take for us to be like that. Could we speed up? Yes, we all could speed up if we wanted to. Could we speed up and still practice the same way we want to? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. And it's important to really know who you are and who you want to be and go by that, not reference other people for how we want to be. And so if I'm wanting to feel more physically fit, I don't need to be looking at pictures of supermodels. Like I'm not willing to live on two blocks of cheese a day. Like that's just not, that's not healthy, not who I want to be. I can decide, well, what model of fitness do I want and what is the sustainable way that I can talk myself into getting there. It's not gonna be making myself do a two-hour workout every day. It's gonna be over time, slowly increasing and increasing my tolerance for exercise and making gradual changes to make myself more healthy.
So looking at what they're doing that you admire and asking yourself, how can I make it align with myself and do that thing in my own way and not shaming myself. So like anything that we do when we're comparing, if we're making it about shaming ourselves, it's gonna backfire. So also just notice that, ask ourselves, can I turn this into admiration instead of envy? Or instead of where do I fall short? So another example would be if you're a surgeon and you resent another surgeon's skill or speed, instead of feeling bad about ourselves, we can admire what they're doing and try to learn from them. That takes some humility to offer that admiration. Hey, I really am impressed by the way you do this particular procedure. Would you mind if I watched you or would you mind, you know, kind of sharing some of your ideas about what makes it so successful for you? And then celebrate them. Celebrate that they have figured that thing out. And when we do that, we unblock our own selves from being able to progress when we're resenting other people and are in that space of envy, jealousy and irritation and resentment, we're blocking our own ability to grow. When we move into admiration and step into curiosity instead of self-criticism, that is going to help so much.
And in medicine, this shift can help build a culture of mentorship instead of silent competition. And mentorship is obviously a nurturing relationship where knowledge is exchanged freely and there's no concern that there's not enough. You know, competition really is oftentimes a scarcity mindset, and there's just really no need for this. It's not a sport. We all want the best for all of our colleagues and all of our patients, and we can make that happen. I think that's huge. My husband, if you guys don't know, is an orthopedic surgeon in a different hospital than where we work and they've gone through a little bit of tumultuous times in their medical staff here in the last six to eight months. And, you know, he came home from kind of a directors' meeting asking, you know, like, what can we do? Because why don't we have each other's backs? Like he was really noticing how the staff has turned inward and is pointing a lot of fingers, blaming, you know, resentment is building, all of the things, the negative kind of things.
And when I was listening to him, he mentioned it within his own specialty, but really the big picture is the medical staff and we were talking about that and I just asked him, what would cultivate a culture of collaboration rather than this disdain and like resentment and turning inward. And that's what he said. He was like, you know, I wish we'd mentor each other a lot better. Like some of us OGs, the attendings that have been out of practice for greater than 10 years, really mentoring the new grads, you know, the five years and less and even those that have been 20 plus can mentor the 10 plus and the five plus. And we had a really interesting conversation about that and really just how can we do that? And understanding that we all have something to learn from each other, not just within our own specialties, but actually across specialties. Sometimes I will ask like, oh, what made you do this on this patient and I can learn so much when you're just asking from the standpoint of like, oh yeah, I could make my practice faster or more efficient, or if I already had this on board for you, would that make your job easier? And just really, really being able to collaborate better. And I think that's the key is staying curious and mentoring. Yeah. And believing that you'll have enough and you can create whatever you want. Just because someone else has something that you want doesn't mean that you can't create it for yourself.
And then the power of reverence. And I was talking to a client not long ago about just how they hadn't felt awe in a long time. And that is an emotion that we can definitely cultivate and it's worth cultivating. This sense of reverence 'cause it gives us so much peace and meaning in life. And so think about all the miracles we really get to experience all the time. You know, definitely in the practice of medicine, but even just like imagine 15 years ago. Someone had told you, I guess, no, we've had iPhones for longer than 15 years now, but if you know, 25 years ago what an iPhone could do, or for those of us who are Gen X, who like, I remember the invention of the answering machine. That's my level of Gen X-ness, like the idea of the internet, and I remember FaceTime calls seemed so space age and what we're seeing now happening and what is happening with AI and just like even this quantum computing thing is supposed to be even crazier. That stuff, like you can find awe all around, look in nature. The human body when we studied, I know you guys remember all that molecular biology and the biochemistry, and you're like, what? This is so complex and incredible and it's also a miracle that people are even alive 'cause there's so infinitely many things that could go fatally wrong, that don't, and then sometimes in our practice, time slows down. Maybe when you deliver a healthy baby or even you're just like holding a baby, you're examining. You hold a patient's hand as they're passing onto the next realm. Watching a family reunite after someone has surgery, those moments can pull us out of our own mental scoreboard and drop us into awe.
Whenever you go to the beach, if you're a beach person. Do you go watch the sunset on the beach? It's like a religious ritual. It seems like you go down there, all the people staying at the beach, go down to watch the sunset. They might even be there for the sunrise. I make a sunrise here and there, but not always, but I do always make the sunset. Your kids laugh. Songs that stop you and make you really think or appreciate your life. These things that induce awe are the antidote to the constant measurement that we might otherwise be experiencing. Because it's not about you. It's about our connection to a greater purpose, to the human family, to the universe. When we have reverence, it shifts our focus from self-measurement to connection with something bigger, and that is always going to help us reduce anxiety and foster meaning in our lives.
Yeah. That's my understanding of why some of these psychotropics work for some people. Mm-hmm. Yeah. What they describe is the same experience I have experienced in church, but not everybody has that. But for the first time, they're experiencing a connection with something bigger than themselves. It always, when we turn inward and become very self-focused, that can get into a depression spiral, where like you can't get out of it. It is a phenomenal thing to like re-remember that you are part of something bigger. You are connected to all of humanity. You're made of stardust, like truly, literally stardust. Mm-hmm. Yeah. When he talks about that, I'm like, God, that's so amazing. So anyway, so some practical strategies. You might be saying, we'd like you to have something that you can start using immediately with these podcasts. So if you find yourself in comparison, pause and name it out loud or in your head. Say something like, ah, there's comparison talking. Then intentionally flip your focus. I'm comparing myself, but what actually do I admire, or what do I wanna learn from this situation or this person? And then, like Laura just talked about, practicing awe moments. They're all around. If you start looking for them, you'll see them. Intentionally notice things that inspire reverence each week. Like sunsets, like she mentioned, music is amazing. Breakthroughs in medicine, like every time I'm like, what do you mean you can salvage this hand or. I mean really when you even think about it, I think we have to look up when running hot water was developed. It wasn't that long ago. Oh my word. Thank you, whoever did. And can you imagine like when people are like, oh, the world is terrible. What world are you living in? Because I'm looking around and I got a hot shower. Yeah, I have no problem feeding myself. Preach, preach it, sister. Haven't had plague in a while. Toothbrush, toothpaste. Hello? I mean, yeah. So anyway, so that brings us into develop some gratitude anchors. Before, if you notice social media is a problem for you, maybe practice listing three things that you're thankful for before you even get on there.
Caroline Leaf says her advice is to reduce your exposure to comparison triggers, especially if you're in a high stress season. If you're already running at Mach one, like, do you really need to add anything more to your plate? Just consider that.
We always like to have a challenge or a homework, so we just want to encourage you or challenge you this week. Notice one moment when you start comparing yourself to someone or something else or somewhere else that you're not. Pause and then consciously choose to admire instead. The bonus points if it's someone like a colleague or someone that you work with, if you tell that person what you admire about them or seek them out and be like, wow, that was incredible how you handled that intubation. Do you have any tips or tricks? How I can handle it that smoothly? Okay. Just an example, but you will be amazed how it will turn the dynamic. You will be amazed how it will flip the script on instead of being that person receiving defensiveness, they're really reading into the connection and then they're like, oh, wow, you noticed that? And just really see how it changes the dynamic right there at work or wherever you are in your neck of the woods. And we would love to hear about it. So tag us on socials or send us a message at [email protected] and we're calling this hashtag from comparison to connection moments. We'd love to hear about 'em. So until next time, you are whole. You are a gift to medicine and the work you do matters.
