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This is the Drive Time Debrief episode 214. Hey friends. Welcome back to the podcast. I'm Amanda. I'm Laura. And I'm Kendra. And today we are gonna talk about something that I'm shocked we haven't talked more about before, and that is people pleasing. And Kendra is gonna introduce the topic well, let me start with a [00:01:00] question. Or maybe a few.
See if any of these land. Have you ever said yes while your whole body screamed? Absolutely not. Like to an extra shift or staying late, you know, just this once. Or maybe that committee you really never wanted to be on, or maybe this one family plans, you're even just exhausted thinking about. If so, congratulations.
Welcome to People Pleasing Anonymous. Hi, I am Kendra and I'm a recovering people pleaser, but really this is very, very common and it's a very, very common physician condition.
So what is people pleasing? Really, people pleasing is the habit of prioritizing other people's comfort over your own wellbeing. And that can sting a little bit because this often happens automatically. So somewhere along the road we read the room, you know, [00:02:00] we figured out it would be easier just to let everybody else's discomfort go — to manage that instead of our own.
And over time that becomes something we get really good at and it becomes automatic. So it kind of sounds like. I don't really wanna rock the boat, so I'll just do whatever. Or I'll just say yes because they'll be disappointed if I say no, or I'll go along with it. This time it is just easier, or maybe it's just easier.
If I handle it altogether, I can deal with it. Let's just do that. But here's the truth we don't say out loud. People pleasing is not about being kind. It's about avoiding discomfort. Not just yours, but theirs as well. And you know, people pleasers — we don't just wake up one day and say, let me be a martyr the rest of my life.
I would love to manage other people's discomfort and just sacrifice till the day I die. Right. [00:03:00] No, it does not come on that way. It comes on from a process we know as conditioning. So you know, you can think about this in your family of origin or how you grew up being praised for being "easy," or you were the responsible one or maybe the mature one.
And so you got praised for that and that felt good. And so it was conditioned, or how about learning that approval meant safety? So as long as you were getting approved, everything was good and safe. Or maybe growing up in an environment where conflict felt risky, right? So we don't rock the boat. We just try to manage everybody else's discomfort at the price
of our own. And then you got rewarded not only for your achievement but for being compliant or maybe for performing. So if any of these sound familiar, welcome to the fam. And not only that, but now let's layer medical training on top of that. Yes, we're so [00:04:00] special. So this is why physicians are especially good at people pleasing and also terrible at it.
If you think back, or maybe you're in medical school now, or residency, if you think back to medical school and residency, you might remember that some of this programming was stuff you picked up there. I have a theory that many of us who wind up in medical training already were people pleasers, and that's why the system didn't feel all that abnormal. If you weren't before you came in,
odds are you picked up some ways to people please. And you learned quickly not to ask too many questions, not to complain, not to show weakness. I mean, how many of us showed up in residency throwing up, begging that they would send you home if they saw you vomit? I know I did. Or I remember being super jealous of the kids
that I would rotate with on [00:05:00] pediatric surgery. They're sitting there with their broken leg watching cartoons and eating Froot Loops. I was like, maybe if I had a broken leg, I could have a few days off. No, you can't show that kind of weakness. Don't inconvenience the system in any way, or you're seen as a weak link.
You're praised when you get praise, which is definitely not consistent, but it is in the form that creates a trauma bond — that variable reinforcement, every once in a while, kind of like a slot machine, you might get praised for staying late or picking up slack — a.k.a. doing other people's jobs — being reliable or never saying no.
Your nervous system learns that my worth comes from being useful. That belief does not magically disappear when you become an attending. It's like it's hardwired into your nervous system by literally trauma bonding. So how does this show up for us at work [00:06:00] when we're still people pleasing? Let me give you a little case example. Number one, for those of us who are shift workers —
this is for you. You already worked three nights in a row and you're fried. Then you get a text. Any chance you could cover me? I've got friends coming in from out of town. And you might feel guilt. You might feel pressure, you might feel fear of being that person who's just not a team player or not helpful.
Or you might have fear that when you need help, it won't be there. So you say yes, even though you're completely depleted and fried. And then you resent everyone and you resent yourself. And so did it make you a better person? No. Arguably it made you a worse person. So case number two, the boundary patient — a patient asks for something
that either is inappropriate or unreasonable. Pain medication might be an example. And you know the [00:07:00] right answer. You know what feels right to you. And this is where learning to feel sensations in your body again — sensations that you gave up on during your training so that you didn't know when you were so hungry and tired and had to pee —
when we get back to where we can feel sensations in our body, we can oftentimes get sensations that tell us this is a boundary violation. This is not okay. Like for me, it's like nausea. I feel a little sick or uneasy, queasy. And when you notice that, that's your opportunity to say, okay, I've got a boundary and I'm gonna hold it.
But if you are people pleasing,
you override that. You might soften it. You might give a little more than you typically would. You overexplain. You spend extra time in the room with them, you bend, and now you're super drained and they're still unhappy and they're still demanding, and they're gonna expect what you just did the next time [00:08:00] they see you, if they see you again.
So just notice — people pleasing doesn't actually prevent conflict. It just delays it and moves it inside you. And in cases like this, it actually makes it more likely to happen later because you're creating that variable reinforcement for your patient. If they beg and plead and beg and plead, every once in a while you're gonna get worn down and give in.
And psychology teaches us that that variable reinforcement is the strongest reinforcement there is. So if we don't wanna reinforce boundary-crossing behavior, it behooves us to hold those boundaries 100% of the time. Not just with patients, but with kids too, please. Kids smell your fear. They smell your fear.
And when you give in — don't create boundaries that you're not willing to hold 100% of the time. Don't. That's what I do — I have very few rules at my house, but I am very good at holding the boundaries on those rules. If [00:09:00] we try to over-manage people and then they don't like it because they have agency and they wanna push back,
eventually they might wear us down if it's a boundary we don't care that much about. And guess what? They're like, oh, I just have to behave poorly for this long and she'll give in. So yeah, don't do that. Don't do that. Save yourself some pain. So how does this show up outside of work?
This is one that maybe — I don't know — we did talk about this maybe. Or maybe you don't, but I talk about this all the time. Physicians often people-please even harder at home. They might be completely exhausted, but they say yes to going over to your mother-in-law's house when you actually really don't wanna go.
You don't have to go, people. You don't have to go. And if you decide to go, make sure it's out of choice. That would look like: I choose to go to support my partner. I'm choosing this. I'm not going against my will [00:10:00] because when you do that, you're being a people pleaser and you're not being honest, and you're setting up all kinds of problems for yourself.
So you might say yes to social events. Sometimes we are introverts who generally would prefer to stay home 100% of the time, and sometimes we know that it's good for us to go out. That's not what I'm talking about. Making yourself go out every once in a while, even though you don't really feel like it but you know it's good for you — you're still making a choice.
But when you're going and you are convinced it's completely against your will — bad idea. It's gonna set up resentment for others and resentment for yourself, and that's gonna turn you into a bitter old man or woman. We don't wanna do that. Another big one, which we've referenced before, is being the emotional regulator for everyone.
And so if you are responding to other people in your house in a way that [00:11:00] makes it seem like you're in charge of their feelings, or you're telling yourself you're in charge of calming everyone else down — that is gonna wear you out. It's not healthy for you, and it doesn't allow them the space to learn how to regulate their own emotions.
This happens a lot with kids — where they're distressed and when they're distressed, we feel like we need to make it better. And oftentimes all they need is just some acknowledgement and someone to sit with them. "Hey, I see that you are feeling rejected and hurt, and that really sucks and I'm here for you.
What do you need?" Rather than what I used to do, which was: No. How dare they reject you? They're pieces of trash! I actually still do this sometimes, but it's not typically what they want to hear. Typically, what they want is someone to just acknowledge their feelings, validate them, and be with them. And then the pain actually passes faster versus
the alternative, because when I'm distressed, then they're gonna try to help me feel better. It's like just this huge emotional fusion hot mess. So better to [00:12:00] keep our emotions separate from the people around us. And the reason we do that is we don't wanna disappoint anyone because somewhere along the line we learned: if I rest,
I'm selfish. If I say no, I'm a jerk. We may have learned it in medical training. Those of us who are women — this is very socialized into us: to be pleasing. And through generations, even millennia — probably — if you weren't pleasing, you might be dead. Or you know, there were lots of consequences for women who weren't pleasing, and that was wrong. And so let's not carry that tradition on. Let's make it safe for the women coming behind us to say no and
to be kind and say, yeah, I just don't really wanna go to the macaroni cook-off, or whatever.
I just need some rest. Thank you for the invitation. So let me just say this [00:13:00] clearly: rested physicians are not selfish. They're safer, they're kinder, they're more present and more alive. And
we've mentioned it lots of times before, but Brené Brown has found in her research on compassion that the people who were the most compassionate were also the most boundaried.
They were the ones who were not saying yes and then being resentful about it later. They knew with intention what was to be included in their lives and what was not theirs to include. So
again, if we don't wanna be resentful, bitter old people or get a bunch of autoimmune diseases or die early, let's just be boundaried and not say yes when we mean no.
Thank you. I love that. I love that you said physicians who are rested are kinder. Because I've been seeing some — like Simon Sinek, who I love — say there's a big difference between [00:14:00] nice and kind. Nice could be saying yes to everything. Oh, she's so nice. She just does everything for everybody.
But there's probably somewhere in her that is not showing up as kind — showing up as resentful. There's actually a cost to people pleasing. And I don't know if we have thought about this enough, but let me start to give you permission to start saying no. Because when you're saying yes all the time, when you really do need to say no, there is a cost.
It costs you your energy, costs you your joy, costs you your sleep, that's for sure. And it costs you resentment-free relationships. You are saying yes, but showing up bitter. And is that really — what is that serving anybody? You're being nice, but you are not being kind. And over time, that can lead to burnout for sure.
To emotional numbness — it makes sense — and a quiet loss of self. You don't just lose your compassion, you lose yourself. What do you even stand for anymore? Who knows? Because when have you ever said no? We [00:15:00] don't know. So let's move away from people pleasing. But this doesn't mean you have to be a jerk. This is where we get practical. So step one, pause. Before you answer, you are allowed to say, I don't know. Let me think about that. Or, I need to check my calendar. Or I need to talk this over. This is
where I have no intention of talking it over with my spouse, but I sure do use that as an excuse.
"Let me run it by David and I'll get back to you." I know what I'm gonna say right now, but I need — like, I'm uncomfortable saying it in that moment, so it gives me a little bit of a pause. Immediate yeses are a trauma response. So many of us are uncomfortable saying no straight out, and it makes evolutionary sense.
Your brain is trying to keep you safe. It's trying to keep you from being burned at the stake. Okay? So it's okay to know that about yourself. It's nothing to judge. But let's do better. Step two, notice it in your body — if your chest starts to tighten, the nausea that Laura talked about before, your stomach dropping, your shoulders tensing.
That's information. Your body [00:16:00] knows sometimes before your brain ever registers that this is a scenario where you need to be saying no or making a boundary. And then step three, practice neutral no's. You don't owe a dissertation. That's the biggest mistake. Confident people speak less. So try something like:
That won't work for me. Or: I'm not available for that. Or: I'm at capacity. One of my favorite new clients just did this for the first time, like two weeks ago, and she had all the nausea come up. She's like, I don't think that's gonna work. I'm already overloaded with my schedule.
And let me tell you, she ruminated about it. She imagined everyone was furious with her. She even called one of her coworkers later just to find out — nobody was mad at all. But it was so uncomfortable trying it for the first time. So don't think that a little discomfort means something is going wrong.
So no apology, just a neutral "I'm at capacity" or something like it. No over-explaining. And then let the discomfort come. That is [00:17:00] part of doing something new. Somebody might be disappointed — let's be honest. Somebody might be, because there are a lot of people in your life who have been benefiting from your lack of boundaries.
That will be something new for them to learn. They can still love you and be a little disappointed at first. It's gonna be okay. It doesn't mean that you did anything wrong. Discomfort is the price of a more peaceful, boundaried life. We're not trying to become cold or uncaring.
We're trying to become clear. We're trying to become authentic. We're trying to be honest with people. We're trying to be sustainable. We're trying to let people in — and to be honest, how do they even know who we are if we are just pleasing everybody else? Boundaries don't push people away. They protect what matters, including you.
So here's your invitation this week. Notice one place where you're people pleasing — just one — and pause. Ask yourself: if I didn't feel guilty, would I really choose this? This is great information. And then practice honoring that answer, awkwardness and all. The goal is not to make everyone [00:18:00] else comfortable.
The goal is a life that protects your peace so that you can keep showing up for those people without disappearing in the process. You are allowed to take up space. You are allowed to rest. You are allowed to say no. Boom. Permission granted. Take this and run with it, people. That's it for today's episode.
Friends, if you found this conversation helpful, the best way to support us is to subscribe. So click the button now and also leave us a rating and a review because that helps other physicians find us and moves us up on the list. And we'd love to hear from you. So if you've accepted the challenge that we have just put forth before you about noticing one people-pleasing moment this week, tell us about it.
We'd love to hear about it. And we will be cheering you on. Email us at [email protected]. And don't forget to follow us on the socials at The Whole Physician. We love connecting with you there. And before you go, we've got a little gift for you. [00:19:00] We've created the Podcast Fast Track, a handpicked collection of our most high-yield episodes designed to help you jumpstart your journey to freedom from burnout. With nearly 200 episodes — we're over that now —
we know it can feel overwhelming, and we know it helps to know where to start. So that's why we've done the work for you. Head over to www.thewholephysician.com/fast-track to discover your personalized path to wholeness and healing, and we'll include that link in the show notes. Thank you for spending time with us today.
Until next time, you are whole. You are a gift to medicine and the work you do matters.
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