DTD 179
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This is the Drive Time Debrief, episode 179.
Hey guys. Welcome back to the podcast. I'm Amanda. I'm Laura. And I'm Kendra. And this is the final part of our series on Codependence. This one is titled From Martyr to Healer: Reclaiming Your Identity Beyond Codependence. And I [00:01:00] found this series fascinating because I honestly have never considered myself codependent at all.
In fact, I much more identify as counterdependent — like overly boundaried, overly walled off. And yet so many of these things that we're talking about do apply to me. So this has been fascinating in general, and today might be the very most important one. Today we are talking about identity and how codependence distorts our sense of self.
Many of us in medicine have been praised for being martyrs, but we're slowly realizing we want to be more than useful. We want to be whole. Yes. And that's a tall order coming from the training that we've been through — and honestly, for a lot of us, our upbringing as well. I mentioned previously that these codependency episodes are my little brainchild because I've been familiar with codependency work since I was a teenager and going [00:02:00] to group therapy about my dad's alcoholism.
Recently, I had listened to this podcast on high-functioning codependency, and the podcast host was describing all the — especially the women physicians I know, and many of the male physicians I know — just the levels of over-functioning and sacrifice.
I was just like, wow, okay. I think this is stuff that we probably all need to know about. And what we've been discussing has been based in the work of Pia Mellody. Pia recently passed, and she was a pillar of the mental health community, a pillar of addiction recovery. She was a nurse who became a therapist and really was one of the pioneers in discussing and identifying these patterns of behavior that show up in these dysfunctional family systems, specifically codependency.
She [00:03:00] said that codependency disrupts our ability to have healthy identity — and that’s definitely true. We see that happen over and over again, not just in people who have substance use in their families, but in people who have been participating in dysfunctional work systems, specifically the healthcare system where it is not functioning well.
We don't feel worthy just for existing. We feel worthy only when we're needed, when we're helpful, and when we're sacrificing. We become what others need us to be, not who we actually are. And so if any of that sounds familiar, you are not alone. I’d say it’s probably most physicians — especially those of us who are women, those raised in high-demand families.
We become experts at caring for other people while abandoning ourselves. And then one day we look up and ask, [00:04:00] Who am I beyond this career? Who am I beyond this white coat? So today we're going to talk about how to move from that martyr identity to one rooted in truth, agency, and healing — for ourselves and for the people we serve.
First, we're going to talk about how codependence distorts identity. Here's a little truth bomb for you: You are not your productivity. You are not your Press Ganey scores. You are not your RVUs. You are not your usefulness. You are not your ability to fix things.
But if you've been codependent, especially in a system that rewards over-giving, you’ve probably come to believe, at least at some level, that's what you are.
That's a common trauma response. Yes, it's a trauma response. When we grow up with unpredictable, critical, or emotionally unavailable caregivers, we learn to get love by performing. We learn to get value by [00:05:00] getting A-pluses, getting gold stars, and getting into medical school. We become who people want us to be: the helper, the achiever, the rock, the one who's always okay.
Then we grow up and become doctors, praised for being competent, calm under pressure, selfless, available. And I mean, even from our patients — I've heard over and over from clients who are in primary care: “Well, my patients just love that I answer their messages at 11 o'clock at night.” That is great if that's actually working for you. But it's likely not — somewhere you are suffering because they like how available you are. The system that benefits from our self-sacrifice is always going to like it when we're available.
And we've become so dependent on external validation that we think, Who are we without that? Who am I if I'm not the doctor who spends extra time, or the doctor who answers all these messages? Who am I if I'm not that person? The problem is, it's not sustainable.
You can do it for a week, a month, a few years… eventually you're going to burn out because you lose track of what you want, what you feel, what you need. You begin to wonder, If I'm not doing all this stuff, if I'm not rescuing someone, do I even matter? And that's not identity — that's role entrapment.
That's where we get stuck — in this identity of I am the doctor who always does everything for everyone. I am the person who accepts every request to be on a committee or mentor someone or take extra work. That's me, but it's not you. And that's what [00:07:00] we're hoping to show you through this episode.
One of the most painful parts of codependence is being entrapped in this identity of the over-functioner, the over-performer, the over-doer, the self-sacrificer — and believing that our value as humans is somehow conditional on our ability to do all these things for all these people.
Here's what Pia Mellody teaches — and we teach this too: Your worth is innate. It's not up for negotiation. It's not tied to your role.
When you can internalize that, everything shifts. And if you don't believe us, go look at the newborn nursery. Which of those babies is worth more? None of them. And they don't do a darn thing except pee and cry and poop and eat. That's it. They have infinite worth, and that does not change based on things that we do or don't do.
You have infinite worth as a human [00:08:00] being, and you're not earning it through sacrificing yourself — becoming that Giving Tree (which, by the way, we can't stand that story). Oh God. Becoming a stump in the ground — that's not earning worth. Yeah, it's the worst. It's so bad. We have a whole podcast on it.
So how do we start untangling our identity from our role? Well, the key is something called differentiation. David Schnarch describes it as the ability to stay emotionally connected to others without losing yourself in the process. It is when you can say, I care about you, but I'm not going to abandon me to keep you happy.
Yeah, that's a big one. Another truth bomb: In codependence, we collapse those boundaries. We merge with others. Their emotions become ours. Their problems become our emergencies. We can't tolerate their discomfort because we were never taught that we could survive on our own.
[00:09:00] Differentiation is the practice of standing in your own truth, even if others don't like it. It's choosing integrity over appeasement. It's letting people be disappointed in you without making it mean you're bad or wrong or something else.
That's hard, especially for physicians — but it's also incredibly freeing. When you're differentiated, you can be a present, powerful healer without becoming the sacrificial lamb. You stop trying to earn your worth and you start living from it.
Here's a reframe that might hit some chords: You are not here to be everything to everyone. You are here to be fully yourself and let your presence be the offering. That shift changes everything.
And I love this because we started touching on this idea of differentiation when we had another special guest on our podcast — the narcissist specialist — who talks a lot about differentiation and how to really be in a relationship with a narcissist. But not just that — even for us, all of us who are emotionally immature, this idea of differentiation can really set you free.
It also gives you that permission to set boundaries — because it isn’t so much that you need to give everything to everyone, but more about getting clear on who you are so that you can offer that to everyone else.
That’s so good. So now let's talk about building a post-codependent identity, because that's what we want.
If you've spent your whole life being what others needed, you may not even know what you like anymore. You may not know what hobbies you prefer. You may not even know what your favorite restaurant is. That's okay. Identity after codependence isn't something you find — it is something that [00:11:00] we’re going to start to create. And so here are some tools that could help.
Inner child work is great. Imagine yourself in fourth grade, or imagine yourself as a younger version of you who didn’t get to have needs. What did she love? What did he long for? What did she need to hear? And then I encourage you to give that to yourself. Say those things that someone should have told him. Do the things, take the time out for her that no one else did.
Second would be journaling prompts. Try something like: What do I want just for me? How uncomfortable does even thinking of doing something just for you make you? If you could be fully yourself without fear, what would you do?
You can also imagine — if the apocalypse happened and you were the only person left on Earth — would you still be doing the things that you're doing? What would you actually do if there were no consequences? That could be a way to start tapping into that.
I would just say — this was a hard one for me. I just wanted to add, because I wasn’t able to make that leap to What do I want? or What would I do for myself? when I first started the healing process. I could not leap there. So what I did was every time I did do something, I was mindful about that thing.
I was fully present. I was intentional about doing the thing, and then being present in it, thinking: This feels good. I like this. For example, I love the lake — I always loved the lake — but when I started doing this work, when I would go to the lake or spend time by water, it was really intentional for me to sit by the lake or on the dock and just think: Yeah, I really like this. This is doing something for my brain, my body, whatever it was.
From there I was able to build on that. But it was a big leap for me to think even the slightest bit like, What matters for me? What if I could be fully myself?
If that even sounds cringey to you, I just encourage you — do something and just see how you feel. Be mindful, be intentional, be present in that moment of whatever it is. And you may find, Oh, I really don't like this.
Like for example — my husband is a cattle rancher. I don’t love going to the barn, but I would go there because my kids were down there playing in the dirt, and when they were growing up, they loved it. And my husband is in love with his cattle, so he loved being there. But I realized I was spending time down there just to be in proximity — and the barn was dusty, super unorganized, and it gave me anxiety.
So I’d say, Hey, I’m going to go back to the kitchen and cook something and be present in my cooking, because that’s how I really like to spend my time. I wanted to cook a big meal for my family to come inside and enjoy.
So that little evolution of, No, actually I don’t want to be down here in the dirty, dusty, crazy unorganized barn. I’m going to go back to the kitchen — that was for me. I gave up that proximity time, knowing they’d come in and have this yummy dinner I spent an hour preparing.
I love that. You do have to just notice: My brain likes this. My body likes this. This is where I want to go.
I wonder what you just said, Laura — we can definitely sense the knots in our shoulders or the tension that builds. I wonder if some people can actually feel in their body more than they can think in their mind what they like.
So just start noticing: Wow, I feel more relaxed here, or Wow, this feels cozy to me — sitting in front of a fireplace with it crackling and reading a book. Some people may be more in tune with their body than I am and could access it that way.
Another thing you could do is a values inventory. Ask something like: What matters to me now? Not what was expected of me, but what feels true? What do I believe? What is in tune with me? What is in integrity with me?
Another thing you can do is creative expression — really getting out of that left brain and into the right brain. Doing something creative like painting, dance, cooking (which is a form of expression for a lot of people), gardening, writing — not to be productive at all, but just for the creativity of it. That gets you into the part of your brain that can reconnect with things that give you joy.
And then lastly, supportive relationships. Find people who love the real you, not the over-functioning version of you. That might take some baby steps, and it’s going to take probably some boundaries — and noticing who loves that for you and who doesn’t.
Most of all, give yourself permission to stop performing.
Brené Brown says it beautifully: “You either walk inside your story and own it, or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.” And ouch — that pretty much sums it up.
You’re allowed to own your story — even the messy, complicated, still-in-progress parts. Actually, especially those. You are more than a fixer. You are more than a giver. You are a human being worthy of rest, joy, boundaries, and love.
Preach. Yeah, I really preach it.
So our dear listeners, if you're waking up to the truth that your identity is not your title, your pager, your call schedule, or your sacrifice — welcome. You’re not falling apart; you’re actually falling into alignment. And we are here for it, and we love that for you.
So I hope this helps. I hope this whole series has brought awareness — that you've been able to notice a few things, not feel condemned or disappointed in what you haven’t done so far, but more like, Okay, I see that. Now what am I going to do? This was my story. Now that I’m aware, I can own it and now I can be who I really want to be.
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So until next time — you are whole.
You are a gift to medicine.
And the work you do matters.
