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Hey guys. Welcome back to the podcast. I'm Amanda. I'm Laura. And I'm Kendra. And today we are going to talk about understanding your emotions. The point of this podcast is not to be afraid of any emotion that you have. A lot of us feel uncomfortable feeling anger. Some of us feel uncomfortable feeling sadness.
Nobody really loves grief, but it turns out that emotions are vibrations in your body that tell you a message. It is there to be used. You can use the information that the emotion is giving you to do something useful with it. These definitions are actually from a social media post by Nadia Addesi.
I don't know if I'm saying that correctly, but it's A-D-D-E-S-I. She's a registered social worker and psychotherapist, but I thought the way she takes the idea of an emotion and breaks it down into literally like one or two sentences, I think is super useful for us. So we've talked about other podcasts, about having emotional granularity where [00:01:00] you think about what you're feeling and name it, that's step one.
It gives you such ownership and almost even distance from what's happening to you, so that then you can observe it and do something with it. So Laura's gonna start us out with anger.
Yes, yes. I do love how she's broken these down into these, just a couple of sentences, but of course we'll discuss a little.
So the first one is anger, which she calls energy with a purpose. And anger builds when something challenges our values, disrespects our boundaries, or disrupts our sense of justice. For me, that's the big one. If I feel like something is unjust, that's when I get angry. And her suggestion is, instead of letting it take over, turn it into change.
And when I am talking with clients who are feeling a lot of anger, I kind of consider anger a secondary emotion. Like there's always something under it, like [00:02:00] sadness, or that feeling of, you know, injustice. And so looking at what's generating the anger is super helpful.
And if there's an emotion underneath it also very, very helpful. You know, Arpita Gupta DePalma that came on and she primarily coaches on anger. Many times it is something like, it feels better to feel angry than hopeless, or it feels better to feel angry than despair or whatever it is.
But I do think that this is pointing out this, sometimes anger can be primary when it is one of these things. One of these things, if you're angry because somebody didn't put their trash away or something then, then you got to question, is it really anger? Right. Or is it disappointment or is it really anger or is it frustration?
Right? But if there's something really unjust, unjust, unjust, whatever. Mm-hmm. I think anger can be appropriate. Oh, absolutely. I think it's inappropriate not to have anger in the face of injustice sometimes. 'Cause it motivates to [00:03:00] change. Yeah. I think it's an easy one to hide behind though.
I mean, just like we've talked about before, Brené Brown and her research on the average people could even name three emotions and anger is one of them because mm-hmm. I think that's a safe place for people to go because it's very protective. Mm-hmm. I mean, it's energy giving. Mm-hmm. But it allows us to protect ourselves.
Right? So like that primitive brain in the cave thing. Mm-hmm. If you get angry and it provides energy, you're gonna protect yourself. Even though like it might be something else like, you know, betrayal or humiliation or whatever it really is. I think that's a safe place. I know anger was my safe place.
Yeah. Well, I think there's a whole segment of the population too, who it was not okay for them to be sad or feel helpless or vulnerable. And so the default is gonna be anger. It feels much more empowered. Mm-hmm. That's just good awareness. And then I do think it's Brené that says you've gotta turn that anger into something.
It is energy, but [00:04:00] you can't just stay angry. You need to turn it into forward progress or channel that energy into something useful. Otherwise, that's when you're gonna get, you know. Blood pressure problems or you know, whatever. Right. And it's not always, I mean, it's kind of frowned upon to just punch people in the throat, which is like what you really wanna do.
Totally, totally. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yes. So that's anger, guilt. Guilt. She defines as a sign that your actions don't align with your values. Let it guide you, not punish you, and guilt is referred to as healthy shame. I know Brené doesn't like using shame at all, but some psychologists use healthy shame as a synonym for guilt and toxic shame is so where healthy shame is, I did something bad or something that didn't align with my values.
Toxic shame is I am bad. And I'm worthless. And that is never true. So where she [00:05:00] says, let it guide you, not punish you, that is the key. So if you notice that you're feeling guilt and just be curious about where you're acting and not in alignment with who you want to be, and if your brain tries to tell you you're a horrible person, notice that and decide if you wanna keep believing that, I would offer that you ought to get your brain to calm down and realize your self worth, but that's up to you.
Yeah. I think this is one that can show up as anger a lot, I think in physicians. Mm-hmm. Too. Because there are a lot of things that I think challenge not only our personal values, but the values that we have when we take the oath to like practice medicine and do no harm. Mm-hmm. And I think this one for me, when I peeled back some of the stuff that I would get angry about at work it's really, it was guilt. It was like, I didn't wanna choose this behavior or choose this. Whatever it was. Like, I didn't wanna choose to leave 50 people out in the waiting room.
Like I feel like everyone should be seen timely, like that [00:06:00] aligns with my values, whatever. Mm-hmm. And so this was a big one for me. And also to not go into the shame saying I'm a bad doctor because I'm not aligned with 50 people out in the waiting room. That was a real big differentiation for me to make that it was really just guilt. 'Cause I was feeling bad. I just wanted to see all those people. I know they were sick. I know they were suffering and I wanted to help them.
Yeah. Well, and I would also say though, there you weren't even in control of that, so I'm not even sure that you should have felt any guilt because you did the best you could. I look at it as like, you know, at that time I didn't know that. Yeah, no, no. Like sabotage, right? Everyone's a saboteur. I saw something funny one time that was like, if you're having guilt, good. You're not a sociopath or psychopath. Right. They don't have any guilt check. Right. It's just don't turn it into this toxic Yeah. Self flagellation thing. It just means I did something that is not in alignment with my values, how am I gonna go [00:07:00] make it right? Yeah, that's super useful. Yes, absolutely.
Okay, next frustration is the feeling of being stuck between effort and outcome, huh? That one sounds pretty familiar. Mm-hmm. That's really probably a lot of what you're feeling too. Okay? Mm-hmm. For sure. When that waiting room is full of 50 people, and you can't do anything about it. Yeah, for sure. It's a sign that something isn't working. Either shift your approach or your expectations, and in that situation, it's probably your expectations that you have to shift knowing that. You can control what you can control and you can't control how many people decide to show up that day. Right. I would say frustration's gonna be a big thing working in medicine is that the systems change so slowly we never stop trying to change it, but like it might be huge for your mental health to adjust your expectations, knowing that it is going to take a long time.
Yeah. Adjust your expectations while you're working on the change. Yeah, I [00:08:00] was just gonna say, there are not many things that can help you feel better fast than lower your expectations. For sure. Even lower. Even lower. Lower, yeah. How low can you go? I'll say that's so true. And the other part about that I will say is just because you are frustrated. You know, with how much effort and the outcome's slow, or the outcome's not there, and moving to that acceptance because that's kind of what you're doing by lowering your expectations, you're accepting the fact that it will never change fast enough. Doesn't say something less about the work you do or like the honor behind your motive.
And I think that's where I had to realize like, just because I accepted the fact that I am going to stop going on the waiting room or whatever I was doing to try to move the needle on the waiting room, didn't change the. What do I wanna say? You're not giving up, right? Like, like I wasn't, I wasn't like consenting [00:09:00] to the inferior like this? No, you're not complicit. You're not complicit. I'm not, I'm not consenting to the way that this is being done. No. And I think too, us as physicians, we're always innovating and, and like ways to see how we can deliver care better and that part I reconciled with the fact that I will always strive to be innovative in the ED and provide the best care I can.
And consenting to the fact that that waiting room is ever like less than 50, was not me like giving up that it was like, okay, I accept the fact that this problem of triaging 20 people, checking in an hour is like out of my control. How can I innovate, you know, from where I'm sitting or just be still practicing with excellence.
So I think that's kind of a big thing. I had to like relegate that or like wrap my brain around that. 'Cause it felt like by just accepting it, I was consenting to the chaos or the inferiority I felt like that was being delivered at the time. Well, I think that's why a lot of us won't let that frustration [00:10:00] go.
'Cause it feels like we are complicit. But it is not just, like Kendra said, it's not the same thing. It is making it where you can actually get your job done without punishing yourself. Exactly. And probably that frees up more energy to make the changes that need to be made.
Certainly makes you a nicer, happier person at work. Right? Well, and it allowed me to focus my energy on the patients that were right in front of me. So I was able to be present and focus on the ones that are right in front of me or that I am able to sign up for and go see, you know what I mean? And so that was like energy giving to me to like kind of take that back and then refocus it towards like who was right in front of me.
Mm-hmm. Well, and you always have three choices. You can change what you can, or like they said, shift your approach. You can change your expectations or you can decide that you don't go back to work there. Leaving is the third option that's always available, and you're not a bad person if you choose to stay because you are helping the people that you're able to help.
You just have to [00:11:00] like decide what is your best case scenario for this moment. Yep. That's right. All right, next one. Overthinking is your brain searching for control in uncertainty. Trust that you can handle what comes instead of exhausting yourself trying to control it. There's a little book that, what is that book called?
How to Stop Overthinking or something. And its premise that thinking is the foundation of all of our suffering, basically. That what we think a lot of times is generating our miserable experience. So just noticing what your brain is trying to control, that it cannot control.
It is always trying to make sense of things and it's always got an angle for how to control things that we can't control. And so if we use that old Serenity prayer and accept the things we can't change and don't waste our energy on them, we're gonna feel a lot better.
Yeah, that's good. I [00:12:00] think that that applies to all the times when I'm like, why are they here in the ER? This makes no sense. Mm-hmm. Yes. Why did they come by the ambulance? You know why? Right. You know, asking all, of course, they came these, of course, they came. That's what they do. Of course they came. Yes.
Their career. Yeah. I've been saying the same thing my entire career. It's me that's the problem. That's right. I mean, at this point I just tell myself, I'm just throwing these out in the universe and I'm just throwing these random questions out in the universe and hoping that the divine will give me some inspiration.
But yes, I think that that's definitely in the ED. That overthinking thing can get real real sticky. When you've asked, like for the 30th patient, why are they here? Why did they get sent here? Whatever notice, like when you ask that question. What I've noticed is when I ask it, my energy feels lower after asking it.
Mm-hmm. And I don't, I get mad. Yeah. And I don't feel as good, so I quit asking it. I was like, yeah, of course you called the ambulance for your toe pain. Of course you did. Of course you did. But I'm sitting there drinking the poison because Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. It's totally out of our control.
Okay, so next is grief and I'll make a comment about grief is love with nowhere to go. I like that. Let yourself feel it. Trying to push it away only makes it heavier, and that is so true. In Rising Strong, Brené Brown talks about grief and one of her favorite priests at her church, not really sure, somewhere that they go in Houston or San Antonio, wherever she lives, and she asked him to write a letter or a paragraph describing grief, like in his best terms, using, you know, spirituality and what we know about, you know, the divine. And what I love, what stuck with me about that whole letter is like, you can't have grief without love. So you don't grieve things that you do not love in whatever way.
Like, you know, there's four or five different types of [00:14:00] love, brotherly love and like passionate love and you know, those kind of, but I was like, you know what? That is so true. Grief has never broken my heart if I hadn't been in love with that person, that situation, that job, that accomplishment, I mean, it can be anything, but when you figure out that what you're feeling is actually grief, it was because you really had a piece of you or gave some of you or loved that thing, situation, person, place, whatever it was, and you're grieving. It's a loss of that love, and that's what that priest said in his letter. You have to lose something and it's love. And I was like, oh, that's such a good point. It's kind of beautiful in a way.
Mm-hmm. Like if you're thinking about like, the proportion of your grief means that there was an incredibly loving experience that was lost, whether it be the idea of a job or a person or a pet or whatever. In a way, it's really [00:15:00] poignant. And why you would want to feel it. I mean, that is just indirectly proportionate to how much you had felt for that, the thing or the person.
So that's, yeah. I often think when family members come because somebody has died and they are experiencing such grief, it really is a tribute to that person. That not everyone gets that. Mm-hmm. You know, sadly, that they've lived their life in such a way. Yeah. Sadly, that people are grieving the loss of them is a beautiful thing.
Yeah, for sure. Okay, next is fear. We are very familiar with fear, but this is a sign that your mind is trying to protect you, that brain. Thank you brain, but not everything unfamiliar is dangerous. Thank you brain. Learn to tell the difference between a real threat and a discomfort that leads to growth.
And that's, that's huge. That's, that's well put. Yes, this will keep you out of a lot of trouble. I [00:16:00] haven't figured it out entirely, so it's not always a bear, guys. It's not always a bear. Nope. The bear is not always attacking. Okay. Then we have sadness, which is a very familiar emotion. Like we said, happy, sad, mad usually tends to be the three most common emotions people can describe.
And so sadness is your mind slowing down to catch up with what's happened, which is lovely. Letting yourself feel isn't weakness, it's processing. Wow. If we could all just shift that a little bit, that's amazing because one of the things Brené says too is usually like people really wanna talk about the stages of grief and she doesn't really get too many.
As a matter of fact, she kind of threw, her research has a little bit debunked the five stages of grief, and we actually had that grief expert on a podcast that also wasn't a fan of the five stages of grief. But this puts it into perspective. What you experience immediately, like when you find out about whatever the situation was, you can, you know, experience all the kinds of emotions, but how [00:17:00] beautiful that when you finally actually sit down and the grief turns to sadness, that you're actually in the processing stage.
Like you've gone beyond the shock, the anger, the whatever else showed up first or that maybe you were more comfortable with that when you do actually sit down to think about or to feel it, you're in processing. Yeah. That can be really healing. That's, that's so interesting. I've never thought about it being, your mind slowing down, but if you think about it from a neurotransmitter standpoint, your neurotransmitters are all lower in sadness, so that's fascinating.
I like it too because it's like a metaphorical, I can imagine a car like downshifting, you know? Mm-hmm. It's like a, the illustration of it. Yeah, that's, that explains what I've been feeling. I would have never been able to put it in words like that, and it gives it a purpose instead of just mm-hmm.
Feeling like crap. Yeah. Right. Yeah, for sure. Okay, well that moves us to loneliness, [00:18:00] which is a craving for connection, a nudge to reconnect with those who make you feel seen and understood. I feel like a lot of times when we get lonely, we then go isolate and like only perpetuate this. So it's good to know, like if you're starting to feel lonely.
Your body's literally telling you it's time to go connect. It's time to go out. It's time to call somebody. It's time to zoom with somebody. That's a beautiful thing. We are made for a connection. And if you're feeling lonely, it doesn't mean that nobody likes you. Like your brain just offers up all of this stuff that's completely wrong.
It just means it's time to get out. Time to go call that friend or, or go talk to somebody new. That is such a useful thing to know because you can do something about that once you realize what it's telling you. Yeah. And playing video games probably isn't gonna get you there. So distract. That's not exactly, yeah, distracting.
That's what I was say. Yeah. I think we distract from it. Yeah. Yeah. And that's not gonna get you that [00:19:00] connection. Don't feel the discomfort, realize what it's telling you, and then you can go do something about it rather than running from it. Mm-hmm. But I also think on the flip side, be careful that like you don't go connect on a superficial level. It's not the connection. Just to be with someone else and feel a touch or a hug or whatever it might be. 'Cause that really isn't going to get down to complete your real desire to connect. It also hopefully is in line with your integrity. So if you are feeling lonely in your own marriage, that is a sign.
Maybe it's time to go to therapy. Reconnect. That can be a really loud screaming sign that it's not as it should be. So rather than do something destructive, take that as a sign, it's time to start doing something. Constructive marriage is not easy. So it's time to get going on reconnecting with the commitment that you've given.
Absolutely. Laura's going through some intensive [00:20:00] couples. She will be a couple's not therapist. What's it called? Coach. Coach. Yes. Yes. And it is so good. I love it. And one thing that I have learned is that loneliness and problems are pretty much universal in marriages at one time or another. The guy that I'm training through, Terry Real coined the term normal marital hatred.
I love that. I love when he says that. I'm like, oh, I feel so validated. I know, but you know, we only get this picture of what we think that it's supposed to be, and it's not real. For sure. For sure. Yeah. Especially even in marriage for any given time. Like, yeah. You know, past the more than six months honeymoon.
Phase six. Yeah, that's what I was gonna say. Right? Past the honeymoon phase. Guess what? That what we see you. That's what I regretted about. Like, I felt like every mom with a newborn was just like blissful. And I wasn't, and I thought like, but now I know nobody's talking about this. Like, really rough transition with [00:21:00] no sleep.
Like I try to be like, Hey. It ends. I just want you to know that, and it's not that long, you know, but if you're feeling a little, little wild yes. And I'll tell you, no one tells you that it's not just the newborn. Like it's the transition. Your kids go through transitions, and every transition is like heart wrenching for a mama.
I'm just telling you like, yeah, this, like me going, having a son going in, being a teenager and my daughter going off to college, like I feel like what? Like no one talks about that actually. It never ends. Like there are these significant transition moments that you're like, oh, I just had this down.
And then like psychic. Yeah. New season. Yeah, for sure. Okay, so then disappointment is the next one, which is a sign that something didn't meet your expectations. Your expectations were here and they didn't happen. That's good to know. It's good to assess. Were my expectations too high? [00:22:00] Was there something else that could have been done.
How can I facilitate meeting my expectations next time. We tend to get like very frustrated and angry and disappointed, but we haven't even been honest with ourselves. Sometimes we haven't communicated our expectations. Sometimes we have not made it very easy for those expectations to be met. It's just interesting if you're feeling disappointed it didn't meet your expectations perfect, so you can adjust.
This is not the time to shut down. And if it's for the medical system, just lower them way, way down. Like lower, lower, going even lower.
We have to laugh or we'll cry. Yeah, for sure. Okay. All right. Next is boredom, which I like. Her explanation of it is unused creative energy. It's not that there's nothing to do. You might be doing something but bored doing it. It's that your brain wants something more meaningful, more creative. Okay. Then like knowing that gives you [00:23:00] the empowerment to go do something new or creative or something that lights up a different part of your brain that's been neglected for a while.
That's all that means. So then take that boredom and turn it into something else. And then lastly, I love this so much. This has opened my eyes a lot. Envy and resentment in particular too, isn't about wanting what somebody else has or being mad at that person. In the case of resentment, it's about feeling like you want that thing and you can't have it.
So instead of comparing, ask yourself what's stopping you from getting the thing that you're envious of or what is stopping you from whatever it is that you're resentful of. The other person too, Brené, I know we did a podcast on envy and resentment and her explanation of she would get so irritated when she'd come in the house and like her husband was resting on the couch.
So [00:24:00] resentful. Well, if you take the person out of it. It was just telling her she would also like to give herself a break and kick up her feet. She could if she let herself. Mm-hmm. Yep. That is so much information that's not necessarily even the person, it's that it is bringing to light something that you want.
Yes. That's a good point. Well, the truth is sometimes we feel good being a little one up and saying, well, it must be nice, or, oh, yeah. Yeah. For sure. For sure. It's good to be aware of that too. Such a martyr, like I said. Yeah. Mm-hmm. If you hired a personal assistant, somehow you've just proven that you're replaceable. Yeah. You know, it's actually an immature stance to be that way and be like, oh.
It must be nice. It's very, it's very ego ego affirming, yeah. I guess is the word I'm trying to say. Yeah. To like, it's all up to me. You're right. Mm-hmm. The world would just stop turning if you didn't do these things. Yeah. But like, just knowing that that was envy, like that, that came more. Yeah. Yeah.
I was [00:25:00] envious of that thing of like wanting to wake up in a day where I didn't have to take anyone anywhere. I didn't have to be at work. I didn't have anything, you know, like when you peeled it all back, I was like, oh. I just need to make a day of like a free day. I can do this day this or I can do that.
Plan it. Even if I watch, plan it, watch schedule. Yeah. Watch me. Mm-hmm. Watch me put it on the calendar. I think a lot of these emotions, watch me set this up here. Exactly. A lot of these emotions, once you understand what they are, are so useful because it's like, oh. That's what I need. And yeah, it's giving you information.
Yeah. That's so great. Well, I hope you guys have enjoyed this today. We have been candid about it, but sometimes it's easier to swallow that way. But if any of this has helped, please leave us a review. We'd love to hear from you. Give us a rating. It helps other doctors find us easier. It moves us up on the list.
Also, if you have some personal experience or wanna chat it out, we are always available and you can email us at [email protected]. We also have a new video we'd like to tell you [00:26:00] about how to crush physician burnout for good without cutting back hours, quitting medicine, or sucking it up in silence.
Scroll down in the show notes for all these links and check 'em out today. So until next time, you are whole. You are a gift to medicine and the work you do matters.
