The Questions You Ask Shape the Life You're Living
Sep 08, 2022
Where you are right now, in your career and in your life more broadly, is partly the result of questions you've asked yourself over the years, and just as much a result of the ones you haven't. A lot of the thought patterns driving current decisions were never consciously chosen; they were absorbed early, often in childhood, and carried forward without much examination.
Noticing the Pattern
If a particular outcome keeps repeating, or a specific behavior keeps getting triggered in situations that don't seem to call for it, that's worth stepping back from. It's a signal worth investigating directly: is the underlying belief driving this pattern still actually true, or still actually useful, or is it just familiar, running unexamined in the background?
The Brain Can Change
This isn't wishful thinking, it's grounded in neuroplasticity, the well-documented capacity of the brain to form new neural pathways throughout life, not just in childhood. Patterns that feel fixed and permanent are, in most cases, more changeable than they seem. That doesn't make change effortless, but it does mean a longstanding pattern isn't a life sentence.
The Five Stages of Actually Changing Something
Behavior change research (commonly associated with the Transtheoretical Model of change) describes five stages that most meaningful change moves through:
- Precontemplation. A change hasn't yet entered conscious awareness, but something below the surface is already shifting, even before it's been named.
- Contemplation. The desire to change becomes consciously recognized. You know something needs to be different, even without a plan yet.
- Preparation. An actual plan starts forming, concrete steps, a timeline, the practical scaffolding for the change ahead.
- Action. The plan gets executed. This is the stage most people associate with "actually changing," even though it's really the fourth step in a longer process.
- Maintenance. Arguably the most important, and most overlooked, stage, sustaining the change once it's been made. This stage will include hard days and genuine setbacks. That's expected, not a sign of failure. What matters here is self-compassion rather than shame in the moments something slips, the ability to extend yourself grace and keep going, rather than treating a setback as proof the whole effort has failed.
Why the Maintenance Stage Gets Overlooked
Most change efforts fail not at the action stage, but at maintenance, the unglamorous, ongoing work of sustaining a shift once the initial motivation has faded. This is exactly where self-compassion matters most, because a single hard day or a single lapse, treated with shame instead of grace, is often what turns a temporary setback into an actual abandonment of the goal.
Starting the Process
If there's been a persistent, quiet nudge toward some kind of change, a specialty shift, a boundary that needs setting, a habit that's been overdue for reexamination, it's worth taking seriously rather than continuing to defer. The process doesn't require having every stage mapped out in advance. It requires actually starting wherever you currently are, even if that's still the early, below-the-surface stage of simply recognizing that something needs to shift.
The Bottom Line
The questions asked, and not asked, over time shape where a person ends up. Revisiting old, unexamined beliefs and applying a structured understanding of how change actually happens, including the often-neglected maintenance stage, tends to make the difference between a change that sticks and one that fades after the initial motivation wears off.
FAQ
What are the five stages of change? Precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance. Each stage represents a distinct phase in the process of making a lasting behavior change, with maintenance often being the most underestimated and important stage.
Why is the maintenance stage considered the most important? Because most change efforts don't fail during the initial action, they fail during the ongoing work of sustaining the change afterward. Maintenance requires navigating inevitable setbacks with self-compassion rather than shame, which is what actually allows the change to hold long-term.
What does neuroplasticity have to do with behavior change? Neuroplasticity refers to the brain's capacity to form new neural pathways throughout life, not just during childhood. It's the underlying mechanism that makes lasting behavior change genuinely possible, even for patterns that feel deeply ingrained.
How do I know if a longstanding belief is still serving me? A useful check is noticing whether a particular outcome or behavior keeps repeating in a way that isn't working. That repetition is often a signal to examine whether the underlying belief driving it is still accurate or useful, rather than simply familiar.
