The Emotional Skill Most Parents Never Taught

A lot of people grew up with well-meaning parents who genuinely wanted their kids to be tough, capable, and in control, and who found big emotions genuinely uncomfortable to sit with. That discomfort often showed up as familiar phrases: "You shouldn't feel bad, you have so much going for you." "You don't know how lucky you are." Some version of "crying means you're weak."

An Inherited Pattern

Many people carry these same patterns into adulthood, often without realizing it, attempting to help a child or partner "feel better" by demonstrating how a more positive perspective would resolve the difficulty. The intention is almost always genuine care. The actual effect can be quite different.

What the Research Shows

A 2022 study found that people who perceive their emotions as being invalidated experience measurably more stress as a result. As the study's authors describe it: "Perceived emotion invalidation occurs when a person feels emotionally invalidated by another, due to the perception that others are judging their emotional experiences in a negative light and implying their emotions are incorrect or inappropriate" (Schreiber & Veilleux, Personality and Individual Differences, 2022).

What Validation Actually Looks Like

Genuine emotional validation is close to the opposite of what a lot of people learned growing up. Rather than redirecting toward a brighter perspective, "look on the bright side," "at least," "you have so much to be thankful for", validation sounds more like:

• "Tell me more about that."
• "That must be really hard."
• "That completely makes sense."
• "I get that."

The underlying goal is straightforward: making sure someone knows they're allowed to have their feelings and process them, with someone else genuinely present alongside them while they do, not immediately redirected, fixed, or talked out of the feeling.

What Validation Doesn't Require

Validating someone's emotional experience doesn't require changing the underlying situation, actively working to make them feel better, trying to eliminate their pain, or offering unsolicited advice. It requires simply being present with them as they are, in that moment.

Why This Actually Strengthens Relationships

Practicing genuine emotional validation tends to produce measurably stronger relationships, with children, partners, and anyone else it's extended to. People around whom emotional validation is consistently practiced tend to report feeling less stressed, safer, and more genuinely connected.

Learning This Later in Life

For a lot of adults, this is a genuinely new skill, learned well into adulthood rather than absorbed in childhood, and that's a common, unremarkable starting point, not a personal failing. Beginning to practice emotional validation with the people who matter most, even imperfectly, tends to produce a real, meaningful shift in relationship quality over time.

The Bottom Line

A lot of well-meaning parenting inadvertently taught emotional redirection rather than emotional validation, and that pattern tends to carry forward into adult relationships unless deliberately examined. Learning to sit with someone's difficult feelings, rather than immediately trying to fix or reframe them, is a genuinely learnable skill that measurably strengthens connection and reduces stress for everyone involved.

FAQ

What is emotional invalidation, and why does it matter? Emotional invalidation occurs when someone perceives that their feelings are being judged, dismissed, or labeled as incorrect. Research has linked this perception directly to increased affective distress, making it a meaningful factor in relationship quality and individual wellbeing.

What's the difference between trying to help someone feel better and validating their emotions? Trying to help someone feel better often involves redirecting them toward a more positive perspective, which can inadvertently communicate that their current feelings are wrong or unwelcome. Validation involves acknowledging and sitting with the feeling as it is, without attempting to change or redirect it.

Does validating someone's emotions mean I have to fix their problem? No, validation specifically doesn't require changing the situation, solving the problem, or eliminating the person's pain. It requires being genuinely present with them while they process what they're feeling.

Is it too late to start practicing emotional validation if I never learned it growing up? No, this is a learnable skill at any age, and even imperfect practice tends to produce meaningful improvements in relationship quality and connection over time.

Source: Schreiber, Jennifer C. Veilleux. "Perceived invalidation of emotion uniquely predicts affective distress: Implications for the role of interpersonal factors in emotional experience." Personality and Individual Differences, Volume 184, 2022, 111191.