Amanda: Hey guys. Welcome back to the podcast. I'm Amanda.
Laura: I'm Laura.
Kendra: And I'm Kendra.
Amanda: We are continuing our series from the article we found on Americanbehavioralclinics.com, “10 Signs of Emotional Maturity”. Today, we're gonna go over numbers 4-7. So first up is Kendra discussing how somebody who's emotionally mature looks for learning and growth from every opportunity.
Kendra: Yeah. So I think this is very important. And also when I started to think about this was something that is actually important for me to instill in my children as they grow into adulthood. I think one of the things that we can get caught up in as physicians is that we tend to go into our different specialties or practices of medicine and we go through residency and sometimes also a fellowship and learn so much about something that we become the expert. I mean, obviously we are, as emergency medicine physicians, we're the expert in resuscitation, in acute life saving maneuvers like airway and all the other things we learn. So we tend to become experts and when somebody has a different idea or a different way of doing things, or maybe handles a situation that maybe they did it a little bit differently. I think a healthy way to look at that is maybe something to be learned from that experience instead of being defensive or angry that it didn't go the way that maybe you would have done it. Either taking care of a critical patient or working as a team on a trauma. I know that this helped me grow. I used to be very short at work and not be open to education, especially if the situation was tense and the other specialties that I was working with in the room weren't always the most respectful. So, I was not open to learn. However, sometimes when I started working in a small community ED, when I'm by myself. I found myself thinking back to some of these different patient populations or cases. And I actually did take away quite a bit and was able to manage the patient efficiently on my own. So I think that obviously made me realize that there is something to be learned from every situation and it grew me as a physician. So as I continue to teach my children who are both heavily involved in sports and academics and all of the things. I find that they also are very, how can I say this? They do not have the ability sometimes to see that there might be a better way or that there might be a way that they could do it to make it more efficient or grow. And so definitely trying to cultivate more of an open mind and more of, “Hey, why don't we look at this opportunity as a situation where you can grow” and, maybe down the line, you'll look back and say, “Wow, I'm glad I had that lesson or that opportunity to learn and grow from”. So it's definitely a daily reinforcing behavior. But I do think that it's small seeds that are planted in a timely manner that will reap a great harvest in the future.
Amanda: So the next one is that emotionally mature people actively seek out multiple points of view to help inform their own. So somebody who is emotionally mature is coming more from a place of curiosity. They are not so stuck in their own dogma of believing things just because that's how they've always believed. They're much more interested because they're not making it a judgment about themselves. They're much more open to, at least hearing out the ideas that other people have. It doesn't mean that they take them as their own, but it means that they don't feel threatened by somebody disagreeing with them. It doesn't mean anything about them as a person when they're emotionally mature. And so you can, I don't like politics, but you can have friends that are on widely different parts of the spectrum. And know that they're both incredibly wonderful people and know that they're both right about some things and it doesn't have to challenge your own beliefs. You can start to see why somebody believes the way that they do, and also disagree with that. You're not so stuck in if somebody challenges you they're evil, or if they disagree with you that they're wrong. 100% wrong. Everything's a shade of gray a little bit unfortunately. Sometimes, as somebody who is emotionally mature, isn't afraid to evolve and become the next iteration of themselves. And with that, you have to challenge your own beliefs and decide what is really true for you and what isn't. And so when somebody is emotionally mature, they will seek out things to challenge their own beliefs. A lot of times they'll continue to choose the same beliefs that they started out with, but you don't know unless you challenge them. And one thing that, I think, is an example of this. Steven Covey has his “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. We can link to it. But one of the most important principles, one of the seven principles, is to seek first to understand, then to be understood. A lot of times if you can come from a place of curiosity, instead of being challenged by things, you can understand why somebody is having the reaction or the thoughts that they're having, and then you can decide what to do with it from there. So next, Laura is gonna take us into number six.
Laura: Before that I wanted to just say, I love that you brought up politics because, like, sometimes I wonder if any adults are actually running for office in this country ever.
Amanda: Stick to the party line, we can't challenge anything.
Kendra: Emotionally mature adults running for any office.
Amanda: Is it just my thought or is it actually a fact that a lot of politicians are problematic?
Laura: Yeah, I dunno. I might share the same thought. That's not good, but I think that is a huge reason why our country is suffering with so much division right now is because people are not seeking first to understand then to be understood. They are not accepting that other people may be right in some things that they disagree with, or even try to understand why they might think a certain way would help. It would help so much. But I think the key is, like you said, is coming to issues with curiosity and coming to other people with curiosity, instead of judgment. Choosing curiosity over judgment is always gonna be productive, in my opinion.
Amanda: Yeah and lastly, when you were assuming that every person that does not share your same opinion is categorically evil. That's a problem. That's a problem. Okay, we're all God's creatures, right? I mean, if you're gonna be like that, we're all, you know, it doesn't make sense if you're coming from an emotionally mature place.
Laura: Yeah. Let's yeah. Let's not judge people like that. Okay. So, emotionally mature people stay resilient. So, in the face of upset setbacks or disappointments, they say, an emotionally mature person will acknowledge their feelings, identify what can be done, and then decide what steps to take to move on. So, if something really disappointing happens, we're not going to, I mean, we can even just think about it in terms of what a child does and what we would expect an adult to do. We're not gonna throw a tantrum and an adult tantrum might look like throwing stuff down and fussing or giving someone the silent treatment. That's a big one people do. It's not what you wanna do as an emotionally mature person. We wanna acknowledge how we feel and then just rationally assess the situation. What is there to be done at this point and make some steps and then move on. But we don't, we don't try to manipulate people through intimidation or yelling or silent treatment, we just try to resolve problems. So, the other thing that kind of goes along with that is that emotionally mature people have a calm disposition. They might get mad or feel angry sometimes, but they're not going to allow that to dictate their response. They're going to remain in control of the things they say and the way they respond to people. Keep in mind that becoming emotionally mature is a lifelong process. It's not either, yes, you're already emotionally mature. No, we all do things that are not mature at times. So when we get angry an emotionally mature person is again, just going to acknowledge that anger, look at the situation and rationally determine the best response. So, one of the things that for me is really big, is maintaining control over our tone of voice and the volume of our voice. So if we are angry and we are raising our voice, we are allowing that emotion to dictate our response to the situation and if it's possible and you know, nobody is in danger of dying at that moment, we probably don't need to raise our voice. When we raise our voice, we give away some of our power. It shows that a situation is getting the best of us. And so if we can remain calm, and keep ourselves as serene as possible and not escalate things. We're gonna have better outcomes in those situations.
Amanda: I would refer back to also our feelings episode. So a lot of times when we're resisting, it's like that whole illustration of the beach ball pushing down. We're only familiar with when the beach ball flies up out of the water. Like when it, when it spills out, when the volcano happens. A lot of us also, if you're not a resistor, you might be a reactor and you react strongly with anger. So the true emotion of like hurt or feeling sad or something like that. When we are emotionally mature and allow our actual feelings and allow them without resisting or reacting, that is a much more calm, even though you're angry, it's not this explosion of what happens when you resist. It's not this explosion of when you react to, you know, the circumstance that happened. So it does appear like a much more steady state, even when you're angry, even when you're upset, because you are allowing instead of the other less effective options.
Laura: Yep, exactly. And so it doesn't mean that you don't say why you're upset. It doesn't mean that you don't communicate that, but you can communicate it in a way where you still maintain your power. So for instance, if you come home, you ask your kids to do the dishes while you were gone. And they didn't, they played video games and actually left a bunch of extra trash lying around and did not do the dishes. We come in and we might have a thought that says, these kids don't respect me or they don't give a flip about what it takes to take care of this house, or they think I'm their maid and anger wells up in us. We can start screaming at them and tell them to go and do it. Or we can say, which might require an adjustment of thought. The thought that I often revert to in that situation is these kids just didn't pay attention. They just got distracted and they're not willingly trying to make me angry. They just forgot because they're kids. Because video games are fun and they’re way more interesting than doing the dishes. And it doesn't mean they don't love me. It doesn't mean they don't respect me. It just means that they forgot. And so then I could kindly say, “Guys, did you remember you were supposed to do the dishes? Can you please come do the dishes?” Yeah. And if I felt angry, I might say, you know, I really feel a little upset that I asked you guys to do this and you can communicate it like that. And then they know, and then you haven't shown up in a way that you don't wanna show up, which is like scary screaming, mean person.
Amanda: Well, and that's why it's so important to have consequences because you don't have to be emotional about it. Here's what happens when I come home and the dishes aren't done. And this was your choice and it's not a personal attack on me. And I'm not personally attacking you. It's just what happens when the dishes aren't done when I asked you to do them, see how calm that is. Yeah. It's easy.
Laura: It teaches the lesson. Yeah. And you can even do it with a smile and be like, that's okay. You know? One day without video games will be, you guys will, it'll be great. You guys will have a break from that and be able to spend more time outside and, and next time you'll remember better.
Amanda: Right. But when you're making it a personal attack and a lack of love for you, and a lack of respect for you, that's a dark place. Wouldn't really, they were playing video games and just didn't do the dishes. And yet you've gotta punish those kids. I'm just kidding.
Kendra: And also making it about choices and consequences actually helps propel them into that emotional adulthood because now they can understand what making decisions means. And if we make the right decisions, we have the right consequences. If we make wrong decisions, there might be some wrong, not so positive, or not so fun consequences. So that also helps propel our budding children into that emotional adulthood. So, thank you for listening today. We have given you ideas on maybe how to stay calm and not lose your crap every time you come home. We've also helped to keep you curious when maybe a different point of view is established or brought forth. It helps to kind of consider understanding that person and then maybe working towards being understood. So, thank you for joining us today. Great conversation. And as always, until next time, you are whole, you are a gift to medicine and the work you do matters.
