Amanda: Hey guys. Welcome back to the podcast. I am Amanda.
Laura: I'm Laura.
Kendra: And I'm Kendra.
Amanda: And last time we talked about the concept of emotional maturity. And we're going to do a little bit of a deep dive over the next three episodes based on an article we found at americanbehavioralclinics.com. They wrote a beautiful article: “10 Signs of Emotional Maturity.”
So first up, Kendra is going to talk to us about being flexible.
Kendra: So being flexible. Sometimes we think about this, like, we could over-plan a vacation. And when we get there, we need to be more flexible. Or say you have, you know, family get togethers, and we have to be flexible a start time or end time. But a more overarching theme is whenever you are planning something, especially when you're making decisions for your life or for next steps or for progress or for whatever you are planning to do with your career, with your family in, in the near and far future. A sign of emotional maturity is for you to come up with your six month, one year, three year plan, but also Plan A, Plan B or Plan C. So just in case something were to happen or just in case the direction of the economy goes one way or God forbid another pandemic arises. You just need to be sure that when you're developing a life plan that you also include alternatives. And alternatives that you are okay with, that your family is okay with. That you would be just as happy if Plan A didn't go as well. That plan B and plan C. So you have to realize that emotional maturity comes when you're like, “Hey, this is the ultimate.” Plan A is the ultimate, but you know, B and C would be, would make me just as happy, and I would be just as content, and we'd get to the same end point. Whether it's building relationships or moving jobs or developing a new business or product, just know that once you have it planned out in your mind, also be aware that there are external forces that you have zero control of that might come in.
Amanda: I think this one is a particular weakness that I used to have. I still have it. I'm still working on it, but I am one who likes to think of my options, come up with a plan. And when things didn't go according to my plan, we've talked about this before, I would get in a little bit of a fit of how things “should” have been, and that's not taking responsibility for my own emotional state.
That's blaming that it didn't go one way. And using that to explain why I am feeling a certain way. But really it's because of my thought that it should have been this way. Well, it shouldn't have been this way. How do we know? Because that's not reality.
Laura: That's the way it was.
Amanda: That's not how it worked out. So now I'm working on like, okay, this was- I just didn't know that this wasn’t how it was going to be- and being a lot more flexible with that.
Laura: So how do you feel now that you're flexible in those situations?
Amanda: Oh, I'm not. So I actually have some lovely people in my life that easily roll with things. Like they almost take pride in doing things spur of the moment (shout out to my husband and his sister, Olivia), and I see that things work out for them just fine. Like it didn't have to go according to plan all of the time. So I do have these people in my life that I can kind of like, “what would Olivia do?” You know? But it does open my mind, at least, that now that anytime I hear myself saying something like, “it should have been like this,” you know, I catch myself. Should, as a reminder, is just “could” with shame all over it, and it's just not necessary.
Kendra: We could also stop “shoulding.”
Amanda: Yes, we should stop “shoulding.”
Kendra: But I think the other thing is- we also have so much in this world to be anxious or fearful about, and plans or alternative plans definitely doesn't need to be anything that increases anxiety. Because chances are their plans for prosperity or plans for growth or plans to move forward, and if you have a B or a C, it really takes the fear, anxiety and worry out of it.
Amanda: The number two sign of emotional maturity is taking ownership and responsibility.
Laura: Yeah. I love this one. This one offers so much freedom. Once you embrace it and realize that when things are going a way that's different than what you want- and you feel tempted to blame other people- that you actually can take back your power and see where it is that you are contributing to the situation. So for instance, if you're having an argument with your spouse or your significant other, and you're mad because they did not do something that you expected them to do. You had some chore that they were supposed to do that they did not do, and you're angry. But you are inflaming the situation by becoming more upset and triggering them. If you can take a moment, pause and look at your own behavior, and say, “okay, what am I doing to contribute to this situation?” It really does take two people to argue. And so you don't have to have an argument. You can just take ownership of your own role in that argument and say, “okay, well, you didn't do what I expected you to do, but I'm gonna still show up as myself. I'm gonna show up as the best version of me that I can show up as.” So, and that generally is not someone who's totally angry or raging over something silly. So it's all, again, about what we are making these situations mean.
Another example would be, you know, say we missed a deadline at work. You know, we are emergency physicians, so it's not like we really have that kind of deadline situation. But if we miss something and then we try to blame others for it. I listened to an executive once talk about employees in his company. He worked for Franklin Covey, a planner/organizational system company. And so they had these training meetings set up with companies all across the country and they had these materials that had to be shipped out to these different places ahead of these workshops, where there are training executives and like the seven habits of highly effective people. But some of those packages were not showing up with all the materials they needed, and it was happening kind of consistently. And so he went to these people in the warehouse and asked them what was going on. They were like, “well, UPS didn't delivered on time,” or “they sent us the wrong amount of, the wrong numbers that people would need, of different materials” or, “they gave us the wrong dates,” blah, blah, blah.
They had so many excuses, and they all sound like kind of valid excuses. But what this executive said to them was, “I'm going to- I'll offer you a bonus for every week that you go with no mistakes. I'll give you a hundred dollars, but if you have one mistake, then you lose that bonus.” And so that may not be exactly what he said, but he was offering a bonus based on how many mistakes they made. And if they made none, then they would get this bonus. And it was interesting because he found that the people started calling ahead of time, calling the people to make sure that they knew the exact numbers that they needed. They would call the shipper and make sure that they were shipping things out like a week ahead of time. So when it arrived, they could call and make sure that everything was good. They had taken all these extra steps to make sure that the things arrived on time like they were supposed to. And they got their bonuses. And it was just so interesting how, even though it was external things that they could point blame at, they were able to bring those back into their own control.
And that's really true for us in all kinds of situations. When we feel like we want to blame somebody else for- especially for things that are in our own control, that are our own mistakes- that is a sign of emotional immaturity. And when we are, we are courageous enough to own our own mistakes and try to correct them ourselves, we're moving into emotional maturity.
Amanda: I love that. Okay. So the last point for this podcast is number three on the list of 10 signs of emotional maturity. And that is: knowing that they don't know everything. So I want you to imagine a person in your life who just always has to be right. They argue just to be right. It seems like they're arguing just to show dominance and like maybe be in charge. That used to bother me.Well, it still bothers me. But I want you to think about what's going on there is that that person doesn't feel safe being vulnerable. A person who is behaving in that sort of way feels that they're going to be judged if they don't know everything, if they're not right about everything. And actually that's kind of a sad place to be when you realize, from emotional maturity, that you are the only one that can make you feel judged. You're the only one that can make you feel shame. You're the only one that can make yourself feel dumb. Suddenly you don't have to know everything because you're, you have your own back. Like, first of all, who knows everything? That's an unrealistic expectation in the first place. But when you're okay with not knowing everything, it is more of a sign that you're actually in emotional maturity, because it's not catastrophic if you don't know everything. So somebody who is operating from emotional maturity does know that they don't know everything. They're more able to have an open mind, have open ears and eyes to look for situations where they can learn something. They don't make it mean something about them as a person, if they don't know everything. And I think that that, as an emergency physician, is a highly useful skill rather than acting like, you know everything and getting yourself in too deep. I think that it is a wonderful skill for an emergency physician to know when to call in back up. And know when to get help. So that's something that I think that we do kind of have, but man, even better when, when you are able to be like, “okay, I don't know this, and it's okay. And because of that, I'm gonna get help and that's appropriate and that's in everyone's best interest.”
Laura: Absolutely. Gosh, what would it be like if we, if we didn't all have to ask for help every day at work?
Kendra: So as we introduce these first couple of signs to help you register what emotional maturity looks like, know that each of them kind of go hand in hand. When we talk about being flexible, we may start looking at interactions with people that are important to us, curious if they get defensive or something like, why are they feeling this way? Why do I always feel like I need to be right? Why is the situation keep presenting itself? You know, under the guise of different things, like maybe little fights, but realizing that there might be an underlying theme that needs to be dug up and dug out and dealt with. So all three of these that we talked about today really are a little bit integrated into each other. And I think once we can kind of just become aware of some of our reactions, or maybe some of our thoughts, then they can change our feelings. And then the action will be more positive, or we can maybe be more aware of feeling those feelings and sit with them. And then maybe be able to uncover or discover some things that we've always had battled with, you know, some learned beliefs.
So thank you for listening today. So until next time you are whole, you are a gift to medicine, and the work you do matters.
