Amanda: Hi guys. Welcome back to the podcast. I am Amanda.
Laura: I am Laura
Kendra: and I'm Kendra.
Amanda: And today we are going to be talking about self-confidence. But before we do that, I wanted to give a shout out to another person that left us a five star review. We love reading these, it encourages us. And honestly, when you leave us a comment on our podcast, it helps other doctors and other people in the healthcare field find us easier.
But this is from candyqueen368: Fantastic podcasts!!! Five stars. “This podcast is fantastic. Amanda, Laura and Kendra are so knowledgeable and inspiring, yet also have great senses of humor that adds to their coaching advice! I'd recommend this podcast for anyone who wants to improve the quality of one's thoughts as well as quality of life in general. The Whole Physician is stellar!!!” Thank you so much candyqueen368. Love that. Thank you. That's fantastic.
So today we are going to talk about the very important topic of self confidence.
Laura: Self confidence. So this is interesting, something that we talk about from the time we're in elementary school on up. And I can't say that I ever had a really great explanation for it until the last year or so when I learned the difference between confidence and self-confidence. And so, confidence you gain by experience. You are confident you know how to load the dishwasher. You are confident, if you are an ER physician like us, you are confident that you know how to close a wound appropriately. You are confident, if you get to a certain stage in your career, that you can manage a routine airway without problems. You're confident ‘cause you've done it, and you've done it a lot of times. And so you have that experience to tell you that you know how to do it.
Self confidence is a little bit different. One definition would be it's being secure in yourself and your abilities, your ability to trust yourself, knowing that you can experience any emotion, including failure without being harmed. And it's your overall opinion of yourself? A really simple explanation for self-confidence might be just knowing that you're gonna show up for yourself, that you're gonna have your own back. No matter what happens, you are not gonna tear yourself apart. You're gonna always be giving yourself unconditional love and encouragement.
So I can stand up and speak to a room of hundreds of people no problem now. You know, when I was in college, I could not. I remember being in a little seminar class with 12 people, and we had to go around and say our name, and I about shook out of my chair because I was afraid to say my name and where I was from. But now I can get up and talk in front of hundreds of people. Because I know even if I mess up or embarrass myself, I can encourage myself and feel those feelings and move on and still have a fantastic life. So self-confidence, you're going to be able to figure anything out, and you're gonna be there for yourself in your failures and be kind to yourself.
Another way we can foster our own self-confidence is having integrity with ourselves. We talked about that in prior podcasts. But when we tell ourselves we're gonna do something for ourselves, we follow through on it. So we don't make a lot of promises to ourselves that we know we aren't gonna be able to keep. We are responsible for doing the right thing for ourselves, even when we don't feel like it. So, even when we feel like staying up till 2:00 AM watching Real Housewives, we go to bed.
Self doubt is the opposite of self-confidence. That's where we question our abilities. We question our value as a person. When we mess up, we criticize ourselves. I wanna offer to you that we can get to a point where this is no longer an issue. I promise you that. You can get to that point where you're not gonna do this to yourself anymore.
None of us is born with self confidence. We have to build it through learning to treat ourselves kindly. And when we have gotten into the habit and practice of doing that, then self doubt can go away. It includes our opinion of ourself. If we have a good opinion of ourself- which a good opinion of ourself might just be that we're doing the very best that we can with the knowledge that we have right now. We're showing up as ourselves and being honest with the world and with ourselves. And that is, that is the very best we can do on any given day. So when we have that good opinion of ourself, it will increase our self-confidence.
So sometimes when we have negative emotions, we want to hide and push 'em down. When we are ready to feel those feelings in the moment or at the appropriate time, and process them through, and trust ourselves to manage and make good decisions and reactions to those feelings, that will show that we have good self-confidence.
So when we have self-confidence, we know that we can try hard things- even things that have a risk of failure- because we're not afraid of how we're going to feel. And we're not afraid of how we're gonna treat ourselves in the aftermath.
Amanda: I love that. Yeah. So when you try something new, you may not be confident because there's not data to support that you already know how to do something, but you can be self confident. That even if you fail at something, you're gonna have your own back and be willing to experience any emotion, because it's just 90 seconds. Most of the worst things that ever happened to us are just in our heads. Yep. So that's how you can be self confident to try something new.
Laura: And try it again.
Amanda: Right! Cause you're not, yeah. You're not gonna beat yourself up.
Kendra: That's the way we show up for ourself is there's grace there. You know, you're trying something, you know, it's not gonna go exactly as planned on the first go. So when you operate from that footprint of grace, then you're like, “okay, I did my best. That didn't go so good. So let's try again.” And then maybe a little better. And then you find the things each time you try, that you are successful, and you build on that. So it's the small wins each time you try, you tell yourself, “Okay, well that didn't take me quite as long that time. Good. This time's better.” You know, and celebrate that. That helps to start trusting yourself and building that integrity with yourself, which in turn, is the product of self confidence.
Amanda: Yeah. To try something new, you have to have a little bit of courage, which actually has a little component of fear in it. But you can be self-confident to have the courage to do something a little bit fearful because you're willing to feel that feeling.
A lot of people I think get confused with self-confidence and arrogance. Okay. None of us really are striving to be arrogant. I don't think, I mean maybe some of us, I dunno. But the difference between self-confidence and arrogance is where it's coming from. Arrogance is actually, so self-confidence is coming from a place of abundance. “I know, no matter what happens, I've got my own back. I'll be able to figure this out.” Arrogance is coming from a place of lack of abundance, actually. It's actually the opposite of self-confidence. It's FALSE self-confidence, trying to make yourself seem bigger than somebody. Self-confidence isn't in a comparison trap. We're ALL able to shine, with self-confidence. Arrogance is when you don't believe that, and you feel there's a limited amount. And so you've got to make yourself bigger than somebody else. It's actually a projection. So that narcissistic surgeon who is trying to make you feel bad about yourself. That's actually, he's not confident, right?
Because people who are coming from a place of abundance and wholeness and love, they don't hurt people.
Laura: No.
Amanda: Right? When you are truly like, I just don't see… That's what they say about internet trolls, right? Do you think Oprah's on the internet, arguing with people. No! Because she's got it going on, right? She's not criticizing, anonymously, somebody else on the internet. Give me a break, right? So if you're coming from a place of arrogance, you're so petrified that you're going to be judged. Right. You're hiding all of your faults. You're rejecting any sort of vulnerability. It's what we're taught to do in medicine, unfortunately. We don't feel safe. Right? So if I can just make myself look better by making somebody else look worse, then I'm not the worst one here. That's not what we're talking about with self-confidence.
Self-confidence comes from a place of abundance and safety and knowing that we aren't going to judge ourselves negatively. We're going to have our own back. And when we do that, then we don't have to take anybody else down. It's actually- we're MORE willing to admit a mistake. We're more willing to own our faults because we're able to self soothe ourselves and know that we're safe and in a good place.
Kendra: So when we build all of this self confidence, because now we have told you how we go from good to great. Things will start happening. We'll set more goals. We will take more action because, once again, we're not afraid to feel the feelings that are associated with being courageous or bold or adventurous or curious. So we'll take more action. We'll talk to more people. We will take more risks that might be looking outside the box. If you're feeling burnt out and you're thinking, “What else could I do? What, what is something that would bring me joy, and maybe I could do on the side, or even pivot from what I'm doing today.”
It sounds exciting to take that risk now and not so intimidating. You'll achieve more because you just know that you try and try again. And you failed and failed and failed, and then success comes. And so THAT feeling overwhelms all the feelings that we felt when we were trying and failing.
Now, you want to continue to breed success. You'll live beyond your current capability and capacity. You just, really, the limits come off, and you just start reaching for the skies, and there's no limit to what you could do. So you'll just start to believe that your future is bright. It really brings a sense of hopefulness. It brings a sense of excitement of what's to come, of wonder. So all of these things start to dominate the pathway of discovering your self confidence, and then just kind of is the catalyst to try more, do more, risk more.
It does take practice. It takes practice. We're not born with self-confidence, just like we're not born with, you know, judgment or jealousy or discrimination. We're not born with those. I don't know how many of these little TikTok videos I watch and like, the three or four year old little kid is watching the newest Disney movie and some peppy tune comes on. And I mean, it is anything for them to jump off the floor, off the couch, and just get after it, and just move and shake and have so much fun. And they are not looking over their shoulder. They are not looking at who's watching. And it's just like, it's cute and funny, but it's so free.
So as we think about practicing our self confidence, we start to realize that when we do fail or when we fall short or when we're like “oops,” we know that we can admit that. And we can feel good about admitting that because, actually, we start to realize that even admitting that is that next step to growing. So, so when we admit that something doesn't go as planned or when we start to feel that failure, disappointment, we know that it's serving us, in a way, that it's getting us to that next step. That it's growing us. We don't have to feel stuck anymore. We don't have to stay in that. We know that, “Oh, okay. Well, I learned from that let's move forward. Let's try again.” And so now you start to build on this belief that, “Hey, I can do anything. I can do the hard stuff. I can try this. I can risk this.” And then you start building that identity, and it starts to morph and change.
What you are today is not fixed. You don't have to stay here. You don't have to believe that your identity is today what you are, or where actually even you came from, yesterday, last week, last year, it's not fixed. It's ever evolving, and you have control over where you're going.
So, one of the things we have to be careful is once we start practicing these, you know, self confidence techniques. We start building that. We have to protect ourself against our brain's natural reaction. And our brains naturally wants to go take you right back in that cave where it's safe, take you right back down that negative pathway, because that's how we're programmed. We're programmed to feel the worry, fear, doubt, because, just like we keep saying, in the primitive times, that's what kept us safe. Literally. That kept us in the cave. We didn't get eaten by tigers. We didn't get, you know, stomped by the mammoth or whatever. Like we stayed in the cave, and that was safe. So that's how we evolved. That's how we developed. And so negative thoughts was what kept us safe.
However, as we start to learn this, and as our belief- our foundation for our belief starts to grow, we can start getting more comfortable stepping out of that cave, feeling those feelings and actually doing something about it. We have to be willing to experience discomfort consistently to start building on our self-confidence. So not only do we reinforce the behavior by feeling the good stuff, the hopefulness, the excitement, the joy, but we have to be able to be comfortable in that place of discomfort, feeling those negative feelings in order to grow.
So some examples of people that have arrived in their self confidence, who have showed up for themselves, who have built that identity based on integrity and trust. They start to think thoughts like:
* “What others think about me is a hundred percent about them. I do not own their thoughts. I do not control what they think. That is on them.”
* “I was made for this.”
* “I am capable.”
* “What is the worst thing that can happen? Maybe I feel a feeling. Maybe it's a negative feeling, but it's okay because now I have my own back. Now I can feel it. I ride the wave for 90 seconds. And then I decide where to go from there.”
That feeling, that control back, is so empowering. And it is, it's such a refreshing feeling than to be constantly under the thumb of what others think about me, what others think about the decisions I make or the direction I'm going. So, my potential is limitless. Imagine waking up every day and being like, “Man, the potential for the day is limitless.”
Like what could you do? The better I am at failing, the more confident I am because failure earns success. We try and try again, and I promise you, success will come. Worry only pretends to be necessary. Worry and fear are a lie. Those feelings lie to you. They tell you have to stay here, and you have to be anxious, and then you have to be depressed about it. That is not a necessary feeling. We can feel it and then we can move on.
I love this, and this is one of the things I remember my coach saying to me, growing up and being in sports. You mess up. I would hear my coach from the sideline be like, “So what? So what? So what? Like, so what you just threw the ball out of bounds? So what, you missed that shot? So what?” And then, when you kind of have that mentality of, “okay, so what?” Guess what? Another opportunity is right behind it. There's another opportunity to make the shot, to keep the ball bounds, to steal, whatever it was. So what? Here's another opportunity. Get ready, position yourself for failure, so that that will breed success.
And then, bottom line is: love who you are. Love yourself. Love yourself. The best thing you can do for yourself is love yourself.
Amanda:I love that so much. Preach sister!
Laura: She seriously is like pulpit pounding.
Amanda: That's what that noise is. There's pulpit pounding going on.
Kendra: Now we'll pass the plates.
Amanda: Well, that about wraps us up!
Kendra: I know. This has been great. I hope just one thing. You know, these examples of what we just talked about. Just one of them. How about let's just embrace one of these thoughts. How about we just start with one of them. Maybe “I have my own back.” Maybe we could challenge you this week to just take one of these, these examples of these, you know, change in the way I think. And let's just adopt one a week. Let's just start with one. Maybe you could adopt “my potential is limitless” or “I have my own back” or “I'm gonna start loving myself today.” “I'm gonna show up, and I'm gonna love myself today.” So, if we can do anything today, let's just throw that challenge out there. We're gonna do it too. We are gonna start.
Amanda: Let's all shine.
Laura: I'd say too, if you're not even where you can believe any of those yet, you can believe that you're doing the best you can with the knowledge you have now. You can all believe that.
Amanda: Hundo-P! I like to pretend I'm Gen Z when I'm not.
Kendra: Yeah. Anyways. So anyways, we want you guys to know how amazing and brilliant we think you are. And we're just trying to help you realize yourself and grab onto that amazingness, that brilliance, that beauty, that wonderful soul that you are. So until next time: we see you.
Amanda: You are a whole. You're a gift to medicine, and what you do matters.
Kendra: See you next time.
Laura: Bye.
